Brian Coltrane

S'awright Lori, I really shouldn't have. MaryAnne will probably fire me again. After all, the site has been "dead" so I'm sure downsizing the administrative staff is next. Especially staff that annoys the regulars. Maybe if I look really busy and come up with some news for the homepage, I can avoid being cast out into the streets. 'Scuze me while I dig frantically for information.

Yes. I did it. It was I, who edited Lori's post and put some more words in her mouth. I have since removed the extra words. Sorry Lori, I figured you'd be a sport, no offense meant. Don't go running off. I'll quit the horsing around and leave you be. The last thing I want is for anybody to be genuinely uncomfortable. HNet and its message board is for the fans, like you. So I'll shut up and knock it off. Brian

Oh, look who's talking! All I have to do to get you riled, is delete users at random, alter posts needlessly, and erase your own posts, and use inflammatory language in our homepage articles. So, I got quite a few thangs to pick from to set you off. Now that you're watching me, I'll probably have to pull multiple stunts at once, to make sure there's one or two things you miss. Of course, I could just be blowin' smoke, so you police the place relentlessly and wear yourself out. Besides, I've behaved for months. You've got nothing to worry about.

*slides across the front seat with difficulty, thanks to the console including a CB radio and the kind of clutter most cop cars are known for. Leans back in the passenger seat and stares daggers at Alex, holding up own handcuffed, left wrist* "Alex, if you don't have a key for these thangs in five seconds, I'm gonna shoot 'em apart. I am not stayin' handcuffed to you. Maybe you think yer bein' loyal and all that...but when you get in my way this bad, you're treadin' on dangerous turf. No more "rescues", Alex. No more cute stunts to keep yourself attached to my every move. Or you will be reminded why I'm the number one bad guy around heah...." *gives Alex a cold stare, while reaching into own jacket for the snub-nosed .38 that's kept within the inner pocket*

*at the click of the handcuffs, there's a moment of shocked disbelief from one besieged, black-clad and bad Coltrane...and then...* "Alex, have you lost yer freakin' mind?!" *yanks up own left arm while yelling, nearly causing the attached Alex to be pulled off-balance* *it's only Cooter's arrival that saves Alex from a worse barrage. Seeing the arrival of the grinning mechanic, realizes that the Pontiac is about to be claimed, and any attempt to take it now would be reported as theft* "Dammit! I mean, howdy Cooter!" *quickly tugs own left arm behind back, in an attempt to hide being handcuffed to Alex, which causes a distinctive metallic rattle and a sudden lurch as the blonde accomplice is jerked around* *continues talking to Cooter, trying to cover own tracks somewhat* "Nice day, ain't it! We were just makin' sure this abandoned car didn't have nothin' happen to it. Looks like it just ran outta gas, that's all.." *quickly puts the gas cap back on and shuts the flap* "Now that you're heah, we'll just be on our way." *steps back, bringing Alex along thanks to the friggin' handcuffs, trying to get over to the Caprice before Cooter calls the Dukes, or the Law, or just laughs some more....* *...and then realizes getting back into the Caprice is going to be a real trick, now that Alex has become a cojoined twin via the handcuffs*

Subliminal messages? I suppose, RogerDuke, you could try changing my personality...if I had one to start with. And General Grant agrees with Rosco Lover. The site is slow, eh? Well, there's only one thang left for me to do....like pick a fight with MaryAnne. Fortunately for me, since the site is so slow she's not likely to be paying any attention to my insipid little replies here. The easiest way to annoy MaryAnne is to misuse one's administrative powers for evil. I'm pretty good at this, thanks to years of practice. I just need a day to cook something up. And then, I can plead total peer pressure because Rosco Lover got bored and goaded me into it.

*thinks about this silently for a couple minutes, until the abandoned Pontiac is in sight. Waits until Alex stops the stolen Caprice, getting out of the car with him, and then examining the black, late-60's Pontiac. Finally speaks while looking at own reflection in the glossy black paint* "We have to head back to town. Careful-like. I need to get my own car, and we need to split up. You can take this ol' car afterwards and clear out. Me, I gotta figure out how to get that Atlanta cop off my back." *anticipating Alex's reply, looks up to face him* "I know what you're gonna say. That you're not gonna let me face him alone. Well, Alex...you entered this bad guy contest, and it ain't a team sport. A true bad guy has to be able to take care of himself, without help, without friends, without family." *turns away from Alex, pacing off a few steps* "Back when I offended Lieutenant Morrison...I had nothing to lose. I didn't have friends like the people heah in Hazzard. I didn't know any true family. And now...just when I thought I had my life in order, and bein' a criminal was more a reputation than a reality anymore...this guy shows up to collect." *turns to Alex once more, with anxiety in own expression* "I've changed, Alex, but it doesn't change what I've done in the past. I gotta handle this on my own. Meanwhile, you gotta stay free to become Hazzard's number one bad guy...if ..." *with this dramatic statement left incomplete and hanging in the air, walks over to the gas cap of the Pontiac and opens it, suddenly busy with readying the car*

No, I'm serious, Tony Romo is dating Jessica Simpson. I thought he had more sense than that. He must have taken too many hits to the helmet this season.

Feels like the site died? Died?! As in...croaked? Kicked the milk bucket? Bought the Duke farm? Gave up the Ghost of General Lee? We're lazy, I'll admit that, but to suggest for one pea-pickin' minute that HazzardNet had "died" is o-ffensive. I'll also admit that outside of the last couple days, it's probably been a few weeks since I've posted. Had I but known that HazzardNet would be perceived as abandoned and forlorn and dead, I would have never taken that six-week vacation in the county pen. Died, eh? I'm tellin' ya, we've always caught our share of criticism, but nobody's ever accused us of dying before. I think that's the harshest feedback we ever got. At HazzardNet, we take input from our users very seriously, and you can rest assured that we'll take immediate action to prove that we are not, in fact, zombies. Right after my nap. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.... Brian

I can't handle KITT being a Ford. Everybody knows Fords are evil. At least KITT isn't getting painted orange. I'll say this much to the positive - it's good to see a new show that centers around cars. Sadly, car stunts just ain't what they used to be on television. I figure there's gonna be a few high-end graphic effects that will be reused to the umpteenth degree. On the negative, I recall getting interested in a new KR series before, and then wishing I'd never heard of it. "Team Knight Rider" was just plain bad. And as Darrell mentioned earlier, the made-for-TV Knight Rider movies weren't so hot. Looking back, Knight Rider has been re-created and botched more often than The Dukes of Hazzard.

I'll say this much - if Johnny Knoxville and Sean William Scott did end up at DukesFest, you'd have at least 2 short lines for autographs. Heh heh. Jessica Simpson would be the one person from the 2005 movie who would probably want to "star" at Dukesfest. She's desperate for media attention. I doubt Knoxville and Scott would go anywhere near it. Heck, once the football season is over and Jessica's photo-op chances dry up because her quarterback boyfriend, Tony Romo, is finally out of the news for awhile....she'll have nothing better to do. Maybe we should ring up Jessica's people and tell 'em to get in touch with John's people, and get her Dukesfest appearance lined up. Sound good? Welcome back, Darrell!

*puts hands over eyes for a moment while all vehicular hell breaks loose, figuring the late-60's Pontiac of questionable pedrigree was about to cause a pile-up. Peers out just in time to see the General Lee sweep in, scoop up Julie, and screech out. Turns head to look over the back of the seat, seeing that the chaos has not only slowed the dispute....it's apparently discouraged it.* *makes a mental note to show great personal appreciation to Doc and Julie for their efforts. Smiles to self and eases back down in the passenger seat, giving a sigh of relief.* "Looks like the heat is off, for the time bein'. Tho' cruisin' around in a stolen Atlanta unmarked cop-cruiser ain't our best bet." *thinks a moment* "Alex, we'll have better odds if we ditch this car. I wonder if that black Pontiac that Julie left back there just ran outta gas. Ain't no other reason I can figure that she abandoned it. How about we can cut a hose from this car and make a siphon line? Fill up that old black Pontiac, leave this Caprice disabled, and improve our chances, eh?"

CMT, as we expected, is using The Dukes of Hazzard as a schedule filler for programming that has been disrupted due to the writer's strike. CMT has made no official committment to regular airings of the Dukes, so it's hit n' miss. I took a quick look at the "On TV" and "TV Schedules" section of CMT.com, and it looks like Dukes episodes are scheduled for this Tuesday (12/11) and this Friday (12/14). Check yer local listings. It looks like the Dukes eps are airing from the late afternoon to mid-evening. If we get word of CMT putting the Dukes back on a regular schedule, we'll let you know! Meantime, catch it as ya can!

*with Alex driving the stolen Caprice like he was qualifying for the Daytona 500, there was nothing for the passenger to do but get bounced around in the car like dice in a tin cup. Finally rights self in the passenger seat, clicks on the seat belt, and gives a frown to Alex* "Do you realize, buddy ol' pal, that thanks to your hijackin' me off the street...that I look like a party to Grand Theft Auto? Do you realize, Alex, that the cop back there has enough reasons to nail me already without adding that to the list?" *Without giving Alex a chance to answer, rants on* "Do you realize that as a former wheelman, I had a darn good chance of escape if only I'd have made it to my own car? And now you're haulin' me farther away from it! And thanks to yer sheer brilliance in stealin' an unmarked cop car, I'm sure the State Patrol will be after our hides!" *fuming, leans back in the seat, and then notices the squad lights flashing in the side mirrors. Recognizes the Hazzard County cruiser, but also notices that the driving style is tight, fast, and more determined than the usual pursuit-for-fun around Hazzard County. Gets a nasty feeling that the person driving the white patrol car is not anybody friendly....*

*Just before all the noise, one black-clad Coltrane had finally decided that Doc was successfully distracting the Atlanta cop, as no one had left the courthouse for several minutes.* *After making sure the coast was clear, the erstwhile, nervous Coltrane slunk out of the cafe and started to jog across the street, hoping to get to his own car and escape before the Atlanta officer ever knew a thing...* *..until Alex came roaring back in the stolen unmarked cruiser, and started laying on the horn like an idiot.* *Runs up to the beeping, honking car, but doesn't see Daney stepping back from the driver's side of it until it's too late, and plows into her like she was the lone standing pin in a high-stakes bowling game* THUD! *falls to the ground with her, pancaking the slender girl beneath own body. Hastily scrambles up, hauling Daney to her feet* "Daney! You picked a helluva time to be handin' out pamphlets! Go stand in the middle of the street where it's safe, will ya?!" *lunges up to the stolen car, and opens the driver's door to give Alex a few thoughts yelled from the top of lungs* "ALEX!! Are you freakin' crazy!? You steal that Atlanta cop's car and then you bring it back to taunt him?! Quit with the horn, get outta the car and run for your what's left of yer life! I don't know how you're plannin' to win the bad guy contest, but stayin' alive goes a long way towards qualifyin'!" *the words are barely out, when an instinctive sense of danger causes all attention to turn and look at the courthouse doors...*

I'd started this thread a couple years ago with the classic "White Trash Christmas" cartoon. ( The link still works, btw.) Recently I was digging around for more holiday shenanigans, and found more offensive humor for the season. Here we see the dark side of Rudolph and his dentally-demented elf buddy, Hermie, as they rise in the ranks of the North Pole's criminal underworld.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iyCbdgtR06E

As many of ya know, Tom couldn't make the 2007 DukesFest due to touring with the off-broadway musical production of "Chicago." DukesFest carried on, but of course "Luke Duke" was missed. HazzardNet has early, unofficial information that indicates Tom will be at the 2008 DukesFest. You won't find this news on any other Dukes website yet, but the information we obtained is from a viable enough source that we're sticking our necks out and reporting it. Note, Tom usually has an escape clause that lets him bail if a hot Broadway gig comes up, so this is never written in stone. So far, though, it looks good. We also have official information regarding a concert appearance by John and Tom on May 10, 2008. More shows may be scheduled, but so far we've only got confirmation on this one, in the Segerstrom Concert Hall at the Orange County Performing Arts Center. We will post the details on that in the near future.

Roger, there is a lot of good "normal" Dukes fanfic out there that is based on the original cast only. Sometimes you have to dig around for it, but it's there. Try looking around DukesofHazzardFanfic.com. Also, fanfiction.net has a "Dukes" category that's fairly large. HNet fic and Round Robins contain a lot of outside-character, 'extended family' role plays and such because....well, it's a long story. Several long stories, in fact. But by no means is it the only thing out there. And some of our RR authors have written orthodox, normal Dukes fic with no added characters, and those are on DukesofHazzardFanfic.com, or DOHFF as we call it. After reading some stories, why not try a hand at writing one yourself? MaryAnne would be happy to post it on DOHFF for you. And then, fame and fortune - or at least modest notoriety - will be yours!

Very true, Alex. Eeeeyep..... *eventually turns Diablo onto a narrow, rutted road, that is barely wide enough for the big Chevy, and takes the path through the woods, heading into the lowlands between the hills. Smiles thinly, knowing revenge is not far off. Recalls a time, years ago, when the tables were turned....and speaks the memory aloud* ...In fact, I recall a time where you yerself, tried to use the swamp to get rid of a rival. You had a notion to toss 'em into a pit of quicksand and watch 'em struggle and yell for help that would nevah come. Kind of a slow, nasty way to cancel out the competition, if you ask me.... *pauses, and turns face towards Alex, showing a frown* ...Do you know how long it took me to clean the quicksand out of this leather jacket?

*Meanwhile, back at the Busy Bee Cafe', which has become the unlikely hideout for one particular bad guy....* "Doc! I'm tryin' to hide!" *hushed drawl from behind the newspaper* "There's an Atlanta cop hangin' around town , and if he finds me here, he's gonna display an awful spectacle o' justice." *partially moves one half of the opened newspaper to peer at Doc from behind it* "That cop doesn't fall for much, so tryin' to distract him with mere feminine wiles won't work. Tho' if you went up to him and pretended to twist an ankle or something, and acted like you needed help...maybe you could draw him off, so I could hightail it outta heah." *waits to see if Doc can help...*

Just wait until the Christmas dinner pic is posted. Rudolph, with yer nose so bright, you'll taste great with pie tonight....

I wish everybody a warm and well-fed Thanksgiving! Count your blessings, and pass the gravy!

Thank ya'll for your kind words about HazzardNet and the staff here! We do appreciate it. We also appreciate YOU for making HazzardNet the top-ranked Dukes site on the web. It's your posts, your photos, and your participation that make the difference. So give yerselves a round of applause, and sal-ute! Brian

*Meanwhile, as Alex hightailed it out of town, and the Atlanta cop stood near the street contemplating life without his unmarked car....* *...the reigning champion of bad guys watched all the commotion through the window of the Busy Bee Cafe, and contemplated a change of career.* *Fending off competiton from rivals and wanna-be's and one's own friends, was par for the course. Dealing with the law and finessing a way out of trouble was a daily activity.* *But finding your most intrepid and determined advesary dropping in out of the blue, right in the middle of turf you thought safe, was a smack in the head. Lt. Jack Morrison had a personal vow of justice to fullfill....while one erstwhile Coltrane wanted nothing more than to avoid this Altanta cop at all costs. There was Jack, not far from the Cafe', and in fact he'd been heading towards the cafe until his car was stolen.* *there was no leaving the Cafe' now, as there was no way to reach the black Chevy and escape without crossing paths with the Atlanta cop...* Damn, *thinks to self* I'm gonna halfta hide in heah until Jack gets outta the view. So much for Hazzard bein' a safe place to lay low. *grabs a newspaper from the counter and opens it up, hiding behind it. Sits at the counter like any other customer, sipping coffee, and doing best to render own self invisible.* I gotta hope that cop leaves town fast, *thinks to self* 'cause otherwise Alex is gonna win this contest, he and Doc are gonna start havin' an affair, and I'll be staring at a brick wall and barbed wire the rest of my life.

*considers the request* "Alex, you're more of a ruffled grouse than a wild turkey. But I could use an ally to draw off enemy fire, so what the hell." *looks at the wheelbarrows, and sees the labels on the containers* "And do you seriously thinkin' we'll survive paintball hunters by lobbin' dinner rolls at 'em? Are you nuts?"