Brian Coltrane

*parks the black Chevy near the woods. Gets out of the car wearing usual black jeans and leather jacket, though festively adorned with a fringe of turkey feathers along the outer seams. Checks face in the side mirror, adding another stripe of black and red war paint, what the hell.* *Opens the trunk of the car and takes out a five-gallon plastic bucket of instant mashed potatoes. Takes out another five-gallon plastic bucket, this one full of gravy. Sets these down and digs around in trunk some more.* *Lifts out a 50-pound bag of croutons, sets it down.* *Removes several gallon-sized jugs of jellied cranberry sauce, sets it down.* *Removes several boxed pumpkin pies, and what appears to be a huge rubber band that would make a servicable slingshot.* *Takes out a coil of rope and slings it over shoulder, and hauls out two duffel bags willed with Who Knows What. Thus supplied, begins the tedious process of hauling all this stuff out to the woods, and prepares to defend self against the silly fools who would enter the lair of the Wild Turkey.* *issues a call of bring-it-on in turkey speak...* "GOBBLE @#$% GOBBLE!!"

They are supposed to be coming out on DVD by this summer 2008, as per....ah, something on our homepage, I can't remember the source but it was fairly reliable. Previously, at least of the Dukes reunion movies was on VHS, but released only by Colombia House if I recall correctly. Wasn't the easiest thing to get ahold of.

I accept the dubious honor of being the local wild turkey, as it fits my job description around heah anynow. 'Scuze me while I prepare for battle.

Turkey?! GAAAH!! Man, ya miss one staff meeting, and this is what happens! I'll have ya know, turkeys in this county are fierce and unpredictable beasts. Go after one, and you'll probably get a can of cranberries chucked at yer head. Beware the Turkey.

Roger, you gave a fine speechify there. Coy and Vance were always irritating to me, but I agree we all owe something to the fact that they kept the show going. Coy, in particular, was likeable with his aw-shucks innocence. Vance was a smug cuss and came across like he was on valium half the time. Yet both of them kept the roads to Hazzard County open so that Bo and Luke could eventually find their way home.

Tuesday, November 13th! Both reunion movies are being shown back to back, starting at 8:00 p.m Eastern. Check yer local listings!

I could see letting Byron Cherry ( Coy ) be a part of DukesFest. He's a decent guy. I saw him at appearances at Cooter's Place back when it was in Virginia, and he treated the fans very well. I don't know whatever happened to Christopher Mayer. ( Vance ) He's never made a Dukes appearance in the past 10 years that I know of. But hell, if we have Coy, we might as well have Vance. I doubt if that would ever happen, though, because even after all these years, Tom and John wouldn't appreciate their presence. I'd like to see Don Pedro Colley ( Sheriff Little) at DukesFest. He was at a couple of 'em in the past, but it seems when Ben cast out the "Official Dukes of Hazzard Fan Club" , from DukesFest - for reasons I won't get into here - Don Pedro disappeared with them. I'm sure he'd participate in DukesFest again if he was invited. Which makes me think of something. TimDuke, do you think the "Official" Dukes club will show up at the next DukesFest? Food for thought. I'm NOT in favor of it, for the record. Nothing against the members ( if there are any ) but the leadership hasn't shown itself to hold any integrity. That being said, I'm not sure there's a way to keep them out. Ben had banned Aneesh and Marky from the event for life, but now that John is running the show, this issue could surface again. I also wonder if Travis Bell will roll in to Atlanta. Heck with worrying about the movie actors, I think the real intrigue will be who shows up in the Dukes fandom and what the hell happens from there. Heh.

*lights a cigarette as Alex gets into the Chevy, showing him a thin smile. Once Alex is settled in, hits the gas and sends Diablo down the road at a good clip. Keeps the conversation going so that Alex doesn't suspect anything.* Yeah, Alex....you wouldn't believe the crazy stuff people call in about. Ya nevah know whether there's anythang to it or not. So I check out the minor stuff and leave the law to more important work. *breathes out a long stream of smoke, then speaks again* I'm glad you're able to help out on this one. The swamp can be tricky, ya know. Snakes...quicksand...hidden bogs...stray hillbillies...homicidal maniacs.

*smiles at Doc, and answers with a low, husky drawl, eyes half-lidded and lazy* Doc...ordinarily I'd be happy to donate mah body to your medical science. But the thought of somebody else, especially Alex, takin' over the bad guy gig....I can't abide it. Help me out heah, and I'll be sure to show you how much I appreciate it.

* eventually, a long black Chevy creeps up behind Alex. The wide chrome grill zeros in on Alex's back. It would be so easy, to hit the gas and just plow the silly fool over, and keep going....* *...but MaryAnne would probably figure out from the tire tread over Alex's body, what car - and driver - was responsible. Ponders options for a moment, and then moves Diablo over just enough to get alongside of Alex, letting the car slowly coast. Makes a fast decision on how to best get rid of the former friend, and comes up with a story. Yells it out the window to Alex, in order to be heard over Diablo's motor* Alex! Glad I found ya. There's reports of a homicidal lunatic roamin' around in the swamp. I'm sure it's just some old moonshiner staggerin' around poachin' deer, but I'm gonna go check it out. I could use your help....

( We interrupt this insanity for my reaction to the above statement...ya know, you coulda phrased that better, or people could get the wrong idea. Whaddaya think this is, Harry Potter? ) (Anyway, we now continue the madness.) *after watching Alex make his way through the busy part of town and head towards the outskirts, one deviously clever Coltrane retraces his own steps and gets into a black Chevy. The big car fires up with a low rumble, and pulls away from the curb, heading in the opposite direction of Alex...* *...and then the Chevy turns down another street and mades a wide detour, eventually creating an intercept course with Alex. Takes time and drives around slow, not wanting witnesses about when Alex is picked up....*

*While chaos goes on inside the booking room, a black-clad Coltrane loiters on the courthouse steps just a few moments longer. After hearing Doc's teasing remarks about unspeakable torture...smiles at her, then gathers her up in a warm embrace, and plants a full-on, face-sucking smooch* Mmmph!! *breaks the kiss with a breathless gasp, then grins* "Doc, you keep talkin' like that, and I'll nevah get anythang else done today. Now g'wan in there, and give Alex a run for his money."

Yeah...walkin' is probably safer, anyhow. *smiling darkly* Goodbye, Alex! *calls out cheefully, then mutters under breath* And I do mean, goodbye. *heads for own car, having an idea on how to remove one Alex Jackson from Hazzard County....but waits for Alex to be seen heading out of town alone...*

Walkin' is healthy, Alex. Then again, you could borrow the Camaro. *slow grin* Either way, I'm sure you'll be safe and sound... And your body nevah found, *thinks this last bit to self.*

* While Alex looks his car over, one sleep-deprived, territorial, moody, and irritated black-clad Coltrane strolls up him. Watches Alex as he checks over his Mustang, and offers an idle suggestion* Ya know Alex....yer car seemed to be outta commission and then fixed, a might too suddenly. Maybe it'd be safer if you left it heah. I'll check it over for ya. You could hitch a ride home with one of the ladies." *lights a cigarette and waits for Alex's answer....watching him with a narrow-eyed gaze*

S'awright, country girl. Alex is on my hit list for a variety of reasons. His sudden popularity is just the last nail in the pine box. *watches as Alex plays hard-to-get with Julie. Notes that Alex's Mustang is out of commission, and hatches a sinister plot *

*Watching the events, folds arms and silently plots Alex's impending, mysterious disappearance. After all, Alex is always after a certain Coltrane's job, and is always after a certain Coltrane's cousin, and had the audacity to wear a certain black jacket. The same Alex is now taking away the attention of the local womenfolk...something irritating, and unforgivable, indeed.* *lighting a cigarette, ponders if the country girl could be blamed for Alex's disappearance, since she's coming on to him like a frieght train. Smiles to self, imagining uses for that tow truck chain that Alex would find uncomfortable....especially if he's wearing it at the depths of Hazzard Pond.*

*while Alex approaches MaryAnne about the bad guy "job", one black-clad Coltrane answers an aspiring badwoman....* "Doc, after yer done wreckin' Alex's bid for badness, you can feel free to take my notorious place if you want. Just remember, tho'...." *pauses to give a gentlemanly bow, and kiss the back of Doc's hand* "...ain't nobody evah managed it yet. And I'd hate to see you come to the same fate as those who've tried it before." *releases Doc's hand, straightening posture and smiling casually*

"Atta girl! All you gotta do, is go in there and disrupt Alex's efforts at this bad guy gig. After all, if you wanna be the villianess of Hazzard County, you can't let a scrawny upstart like him get all the attention." *puts an arm around Doc's waist, and guides her towards the courthouse steps* "Remember, the first rule of being a bad guy...er, girl, is you have to out-bad the competition. And since Alex is a creampuff whenever MaryAnne is around, all you gotta do is humiliate him in front of her, and poof! He's outta the runnin'."

That's Alex's idea of the perfect date. Go get 'em.

"That's a noble ambition, Julie. You g'wan and go back home, and stay outta trouble." *pats Julie on the shoulder, and turns away from her, deciding not to corrupt the sweet girl.* *instead, strolls over to the aready-corrupted Chance Walker, who has a reputation for hanging around shady characters* "Doc, how would you like to earn a fast fifty bucks?" *waves the money with a grin*

I admire women who know their way around weapons. Especially when they point them at somebody else.

*looks at Julie in surprise* "What would Uncle Jesse think? Nothin', if you don't tell 'em. Besides, I thought you wanted to be bad." *digs more cash from jacket pocket* "Tell ya what, I'll make it fifty bucks."

*Lurking in the background, observes MaryAnne's activities. Takes note of the posting she puts up, but doesn't know what to make of it at first. She's replacing me as THE resident bad guy? What the hell? Or maybe she's just trying to ferret me out...* *Listens to Julie's comments, chuckling to self....and then scowls, watching as Alex smugly strolls into the county courthouse. So he thinks he can replace me, eh. Seems like he's after my gig every chance he gets.* *With these thoughts in mind, comes out from hiding, and rests a hand on Julie's shoulder. Speaks to her, making an offer...* Kiddo, there's no glamour in bein' bad. But if yer gonna be bad, you can start by kickin' Alex square in the butt. *pulls a twenty dollar bill from inner jacket pocket and offers it to Julie* I'll even make it worth yer while. (cue JulieDuke)

Knife, rifle, rope, tow chain..... I'd say that's everything you need for an enchanted evening with Alex. BAHAHAHAHAAAA!! Alex! Finally, there's a girl who understands you. Have fun, kids. I'd say use protection, but it sounds like CountryGirl has plenty of it. ( Don't hurt him too much, eh?)