Brian Coltrane

So instead of garden gnomes in your yard, you've got elves?

I know it. For months I've been thinkin', "Gee, we should take down this Christmas category. " Well, now it's pointless. I guess procrastination ain't always a bad thing.

I think I'll let MaryAnne answer that one.

Then you must be stark ravin' bonkers, 'cause you were here first.

I always knew she was nuts, but I've made a point of not bringing it up. It would be insensitive to remark upon it, ya know. Does our workman's comp policy cover mental deterioration, if the cause can be attributed to our environment?

Wait...what does that say about current Moderators? Are you suggesting that MaryAnne is as crazy as a loon?

Moderator Quiz! Do you have the qualities of a HazzardNet Moderator? Take this handy aptitude test and see where you fit! 1) You find an objectionable post that is offensive and inflammatory. Do you: a. Ignore it b. Post something even more offensive and inflammatory c. Modify the post selectively to tone it down d. Modify the post outrageously to amuse yourself e. Quietly delete the offensive post 2) A new user needs help with their avatar, and they need help with posting to the Photo Gallery. You see the plea for help in the Forums. Do you: a. Ignore it b. Answer just one question to see if they’re paying attention c. Reply immediately and answer everything you can at once d. Defer the questions to a smarter Moderator e. Post complete instructions for everyone’s reference 3) The Forums have been slow, and topics have been inactive. What do you do to stir things up? a. Start a rumor b. Post a dirty limerick c. Comb the internet for news and interesting tidbits to post d. Pick a fight with your fellow Moderators e. Start a Poll question to get people involved with a topic 4) A quarrel breaks out between two longtime members, and with each post the fight grows nastier. What do you do? a. Ignore it b. Join the fray c. Post a peacekeeping message while respecting both views d. Narrate the fight for those tuning in late to the fracas e. Warn the aggressors, then ban one or both if necessary 5) The Webmaster threatens to replace you with an automated program. What do you do? a. Call the bluff b. Stall for time c. Recite your contributions and accomplishments d. Start making contributions and hope it’s not too late e. Test the program to make sure it can do everything 6) You and a fellow Moderator are at odds. How do you handle this awkward situation? a. Whine to anybody that will listen b. List your grievances on a post and sway the public c. Keep the issue private and remain professional d. Have an open brawl on the Forums e. Do all you can to resolve the issue quickly and make peace 7) You realize you’ve got about 1,000 posts and several years of your time devoted to a website. What do you do next? a. Wonder if there is something else you should be doing tonight b. Post some more and shoot for 2,000 c. Share your best memories and remember how it all began d. Think of all the TV you’ve missed e. Look forward to more shenanigans! Answer key: If you chose mostly a’s, b’s, or d’s, then you have every one of my unremarkable qualities, and you’d make a completely ineffective and disruptive HazzardNet Moderator. Yeeehaaw! If you chose mostly c’s and e’s, then you have MaryAnne’s outstanding qualities and you’d be a great HazzardNet Moderator! Sal-ute! If your answers are a mixed bag, then your temperament would make you a great Webmaster! Woohoo! Disclaimer: The questions in this quiz are completely hypothetical as are the answers, and in no way should they be taken too seriously or be used as an accurate depiction of HazzardNet.com, which certainly makes no claims, warranties, or promises concerning what the hell we’d do in any given situation from one minute to the next. Void where prohibited. Discontinue use if irritation persists.

You might be a redneck if.... ..You can't resist picking up discarded furniture that somebody put out at the curb. Brian

Mach Man, great job on the models. Nice work on the details! You should bring a couple for display at the next DukesFest. I always look over the scale model exhibits, there's a lot of work and patience that goes into those. And congrats on your first post. What took ya so long? Brian

Blackjack listened to the jabbering of the cornsilk-haired drifter without changing expression. The blonde loner knew he had a temporary job with this gang, that much was obvious. The thought amused Blackjack. He liked his victims to work up a good fear before he fed them a bullet. He was going enjoy working up a good fear into the Hazzard County law, too. Right before he put a smoking hole through the center of their silver badges. And it was time to get the show on the road. "Shut up, get dressed, and get in the wagon," he answered Alex. Behind him, Blackjack heard his men arranging the dynamite cases in the wagon. The outlaw horses, one by one, were tethered to the back of it. It would be a simple thing for Blackjack and his men to hide within the covered wagon, and then bail out to their horses once the main fuse was lit. The babbling blonde drifter would drive the explosive cargo right up to the front door of the Sheriff's office, none the wiser. By the time he realized that the gang was scattering to safety, it would be too late. Picking off the law, if any of them survived - and cleaning out the town - would be child's play. Blackjack was growing impatient to see his plan come to life. "Hurry up!" he barked. (Cue anybody!)

Possum on a gumbush! Hazzard County's most honest lawman will be on patrol this autumn, and you can meet him at: Sept 16 2006 River Fest Car Show Eden, NC October 13 2006 Big Cruisefest - Stars, Cars and More, Little Rock, Arkansas For more details, visit Sonny's site at: www.sonnyshroyer.com

Buzzards on a buzzsaw! If you've never met the underdog of the Hazzard County Sheriff's Department ( and I'm not talkin' about Flash) then you need to get on patrol to see Deputy Cletus Hogg in Gatlinburg, TN. From Thursday 9/14 thru Sunday 9/17, 2006: Rick Hurst will be at Cooter's Place in Gatlinburg, TN. Visit www.cootersplace.com for directions!

Breaker One, Breaker One, ya'll come out and have some fun ! Sept 23 2006 Ben "Cooter" Jones and the Cooter's Garage Band will appear at the Hylo Brown Music Festival in Mechanicsburg, Ohio. Yes, there's going to be a General Lee on display too! Cooter's band puts on a toe-tapping, hand-clapping, dance-in-the-street show, so gitcher hoedown on and check 'em out!

Any of y'all who haven't caught Tom's musical gigs, take note. Mr. Wopat will be performing in Davenport Iowa on October 18, 2006. Venue is the Redstone Room, an intimate lounge setting in the historic Redstone building, located at Second and Main Street in downtown Davenport. For ticket info, call (309) 796-2424 or (800) 747-2430. These kind of venues sell out fast, and at this locale, there's no reserved seating. Tickets mean you get in the door; seating is strictly first-come, first-served. That aside, these shows have great acoustics and the atmosphere is an experience in itself. Want a bigger show? Give yer regards to Broadway, and check out Tom's performance in CHICAGO, The Musical, November 14, 2006. Ambassador Theatre - New York, NY Ticket info # (212) 577-7749

There's been some great opportunties to meet ol' Rosco P. Coltrane this summer. If you haven't caught him ( or been caught by him) on any of his recent rounds, there's a few more chances this fall. Here ya go: September 9th - 10th 2006: The Marigold Festival Pekin, IL Stop by the Mineral Springs Park Pavilion to meet Mr. James Best and get his autograph on Saturday, September 9th, from 12:00 noon to 5:00 pm. Question and Answer Session is on Sunday, September 10th from 1:00 to 1:30 pm, staying until 4:00 pm for more autographs. A General Lee will also be on display, courtesy of Scott from the Confederate General Lee Fan Club. September 23rd, 2006: Doc's Harley-Davidson of Shawano County Bonduel, WI Mr. James Best will be appearing during the Customer Appreciation Party. The party itself begins at 9:00 a.m. and runs until whenever. The exact times of Mr. Best's appearance isn't stated online, but Hazzarding a guess I'd say sometime late morning through 4 or 5 pm. Doc's Harley-Davidson also has a classic car and cycle museum which features a General Lee. October 13th - 14th, 2006: Big Cruisefest - Stars, Cars & More Little Rock, AK Events too numerous to list! For more info, visit: http://www.starscarsandmore.com

Here's an example of a free-range Duke fan, as spotted at a State Fair a couple weeks ago. Hey buddy, how's the corn?

I like checking out the youth art exhibits at the county fairs, because ya find out what's on the minds of kids these days. So when I came across this one, it was a reassuring sight. The kid wrote the chorus to "Good Ol' Boys" at the top of the drawing, and then had a little text ballon with "yeehaa" coming from the driver. Ain't that cute? Got a blue ribbon, too.

I've been seeing some orange 01 shirts, and General Lee shirts out there this summer, at county fairs, shindigs, and the state fair. Seen the 01 baseball caps too. It's cool that we're not alone out there. How about ya'll this summer, anybody else see fellow Dukes fans out at shindigs , fairs, car shows? (not counting DukesFest, before somebody smarmy chimes in with that one.) Brian

So can I. I just wish the Cracker Barrel wouldn't have filed that restraining order. Next year we'll go to the Bob Evans instead. YeeHAAW!!!

Okay, the award for Smarmy Answers goes to MaryAnne. I shouldn't be surprised. Chet, you asked what my score was? Dude, I wrote the quiz, that should speak for itself. For the rest of ya'll - the higher the score, the better ya did! Thanks for participatin'. Coming soon - the HazzardNet Moderator Qualification Exam! Brian

Take this quiz to see how much Redneck common sense ya have! WD-40 is: 1) A cooking spray 2) A highway in Wisconsin 3) A radioactive material 4) A household oil Which is the best way to coax your car to start? 1) Saying “C’mon, baby…†while you turn the key 2) Swearing while you flood the choke 3) Threatening to trade it in while hitting the dash 4) Praying out loud If you have 3 points left on your driver’s license, what motor vehicle violation can you still afford to have? 1) Speeding 2) Running a red light 3) Reckless driving 4) My car doesn’t run, so it’s no problem You’re hauling lumber in the trunk of your car, but it sticks out way beyond the trunk. For safety’s sake, you should: 1) Beep the horn repeatedly 2) Swerve the car so everyone behind you can see it 3) Drive faster to get the trip over sooner 4) Tie your clothing to the lumber to slow traffic behind you Your favorite TV show is: 1) CMT Top 20 Countdown 2) Green Acres 3) Hee Haw 4) The Dukes of Hazzard The most important item in your weekly grocery list is: 1) Skoal 2) Beer 3) Potatoes 4) Pork Rinds You enjoy reading which of the following? 1) Cereal boxes 2) Warning labels 3) New truck ads 4) Who the hell reads? True or false! Beef jerky never spoils. 1) True 2) False You can smoke a ham in the microwave. 1) True 2) False 3) Yeehaaw! Add up yer score! The more points you’ve added up, the more Reckneck Know-How you’ve gotcher self!

(wow, it's been a few months, eh? ) Luke's question was met with a hard sigh from the black-clad Coltrane. Brian sat slouched in the saddle and gave the dusty town of Hazzard a baleful stare. "Ah'd like to go back and help them," he drawled. "But ah've been banished. Exiled. Eee-vacuated. I was told not to return upon pain of lynchin', and that sorta statement leaves an impression on a man." Damascus chewed grass while his rider bemoaned his fate. Sensing the mercurial mood of his rider, the big horse swished his tail high to whap Brian in the back. Brian ignored it and made further complaint. "You Dukes g'wan back to town and do the hero thang. I'll just wander this godforsaken prairie until I'm bit by a rattlesnake or bushwacked by other outlaws or taken down by some tin-star lawman lookin' for target practice. " Having worked himself into a grand self-pity, Brian prepared to leave, and pulled up the reins. Damascus was forced to lift his head from the ground. The large horse snorted in protest and once again whapped his long tail against his rider. Brian gave Hazzard a last look. He thought of the dance hall girl and the gambling woman and all that he had to give up. He also considered the danger the town was facing. The danger his kin would be facing... He cleared his throat and spoke gruffly to the Dukes. "Well, git goin'." (cue the Dukes, or anybody!)

Hey, did anybody get the Saturday Night stage show at DukesFest on video? In particular, we're looking for any video clips of Jacob, the lil' guy who was dressed up as Boss Hogg and who was on the stage with Cooter that night. Jacob was our Fan of The Month for June, as ya may recall. His folks contacted us to see if we had any video of him. Unfortunately, the HazzardNet Staff was traveling light and we didn't have any vid equipment with us. If any of ya'll have a video clip of this, please send me a Private Message via this board. Thank ya! Brian

You're not mistaken, the Broken Gizzard team is involved with the prequel-sequel , though one of Jay's cronies is directing this dog. If I buy the DVD, it will only be to use it for skeet shooting. Brian

Speakin' for myself, I'll pass on being called a "dork" of anything, thankyaverymuch. I don't find "Dorks of Hazzard" as a term of endearment. If I didn't know that you were actually a fan, and I saw "Dorks of Hazzard" on the MySpace thing, I woulda marked you as a mortal enemy. Whatever floats your boat, but if you're shopping for opinions, I for 01 don't dig it. Brian