Brian Coltrane

Gator, sorry to throw my reply in so late. I don't have cable or satellite at the moment, so I've no idea of timeslots. (And since all my favorite shows are on DVD nowadays, it's no problem!) The good news is, the first and second season of Smallville is already on DVD. Man, this show is popular. Fer yer convenience, here's a link to the Amazon page: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00005JLKB/ref=pd_sxp_elt_l1/002-5696402-0247234 Enjoy!

Howdy, DukesChick ! Carmen wouldn't be a bad choice, come to think of it. But in any case, I doubt the scriptwriters of the Dukes movie are going to throw any challenging lines at Jessica. I'm sure her queues ain't gonna go past two sentences at a time. Pardon my crassness, but I think her main job is going to be to...uh....jiggle and giggle. And when ya get down to that, she certainly has the assets for the job. Far as resembling any of the original cast, I think that's another category where there ain't gonna be much concern. (Remember that WB thought that Bo and Luke could be replaced by Coy and Vance. ) Ya need one yellow shirt, one blue-plaid shirt, one pair of short denim shorts...presto! Instant Dukes. Heh! I'm lookin' forward to the movie, tho'. I'm givin' it some teasing already just because it's gonna have a hard time meeting fan expectations, no matter what they do with it. Plus, I'm still wishing they would have done this 10 or 15 years ago and used the original cast. Brian

Howdy, Dover! I don't think Daisy's first car had a name. And that's probably just as well, seein' as how it took a heartstopping swan dive off a cliff during one fateful episode. It was one of the more memorable car-b-gone scenes in the entire run of the series, even including the wasteland of patrol cars that bit the dust. The name of that car will remain one of the unknown mysteries of Hazzard County. Unless somebody else knows the answer! Brian

While testing out the Dukes DVD link that takes ya over to Amazon.com - I noticed that there's a whole lot of 80's tv for sale in addition to the DOH DVD. Man, nostalgia has hit mass distribution! Considering all the reality tv on the air today, I'm predicting strong sales. Heh heh. And it's no accident that the Knight Rider DVD is shown available underneath the Dukes DVD on the Amazon page. (So is the A-Team, in case that excites ya. ) Anyhow, Knight Rider is a show that many of us Dukes fans feel some affinity for. KR didn't have the longevity of DOH, and one of it's weak points in my humble opinion - besides the season where April replaced Bonnie Barstow ( yaaaugh! ) - was that KITT kept getting some superpart that ended up being critical to one ep and ep only. Gee, how handy is that! The General Lee, in contrast, had it's own unique magic where it could jump an expanse of three miles and still land intact. Well, that was cool because it wasn't taken to beyond it's criteria set. We accepted that the General was fast, could spin on a dime, and could jump darn near anything and not bust into pieces. It was consistent. The General would also do things like get a tire blown out, and have an engine stall, and if shot in the radiator, would overheat. And some of the most refreshing sights in the show were the ones where the General went crashing into a pond. ( Ghost of General Lee, Canterbury Crock ) There was also an ep where Bo and Luke had the General on a raft and were trying to cross a river to escape the law....and the General slowly sank underwater. If the General Lee could talk, it probably would have been saying, "@#$&*!" So the General was not impervious to everything, and for that reason, we could better appreciate the moments where the car did manage a spectacular jump, or executed a great manuever to shake the law from it's orange tail. KITT, on the other wheel, was impervious to darn near everything except it's driver. ( Bahahaha! ) KITT seemed to have no middle-of-the-road problems ( shameless pun ) because either it triumphed over all, or it was darn near utterly destroyed. We saw KITT nearly buy the junkyard in "Goliath" because Michael insisted on playing chicken with a molecular-bonded-shell semi truck of doom. Hello, bad idea. *WHAM!* "Michael, you sonofa...." Okay, that's not what KITT really said, but you get the nuances. There was also an ep, I believe it was Junkyard Dog, where KITT is pushed into a pit of acid and melted alive. This moment had a scene that was unique to the show; KITT was calling for help, and of course there wasn't anything Michael could do. Man, I would not have wanted to face Bonnie after THAT one. KITT recovers from all this to be completely trashed once more in the opening ep of the last season. ( Title evades me. ) The damage is also symbolic, as the show seemed to taking some desperate turns and veered away from what made it a success in the first place. KITT became over-enhanced and seemed bored with himself. You know the one thing KITT really needed was one of those nice automatic cup holders but I don't think Bonnie ever installed it. Anyhow! I'm waiting for a computer graphics genius to create the General Lee vs. KITT scenarios that we'd all like to see. I'd pay a few bucks to see KITT go flying into Hazzard Pond..... "Michael! My trajectory indicates we will land in a body of water thrity feet deep - " *SPLASH!!*

Brian had ten seconds to react to it all. He had no more than given an acknowledging nod to the blonde drifter, when the poker table had went over with a crash, and the cardsharp queen appeared to be in big trouble. At the same time, the lady dandy at the bar seemed ready to flee the scene, but Brian knew her movement could be misunderstood and attract a bullet. He lept out from the bar, putting out a hand to the refined lady, murmuring two fast words. "Stay put!" He then rushed forward towards the ruins of the poker table at the exact moment the lady gambler decided to make a run for it. They collided, bodily...which would have been very pleasant under other circumstances. But for now, Brian's only thought was to protect innocent and not-so-innocent folk from getting hurt. "Git back!" He yelled to the gaming queen, pulling her behind him, protecting her with his own body. His right hand moved in a blur and a spinning gun was suddenly in Brian's right hand. It was leveled at the sore loser in an instant. The black-clad arm was steady, the bead drawn on the victim certain. Looking every bit the dire outlaw of legend, Brian stared coldly at the intented victim and offered him a single opportunity to evade lead. "Out," Brian ordered. "Now." ( Cue anybody! Does this sore loser leave? Does he pull something sneaky? Does all hell break loose?)

Here's what caught my eye on the DVD photos. Sorry, I wasn't really specifc and overall it's kewl. That said, take a look-see at Bo's picture, where he's leanding on the General as if workin' on the motor. That boy was NOT ready for that picture to be taken. Heh. The only other one on the DVD that jumps out at me as being "off" is the back flap, with Bo, Luke and Daisy, with the guitar. Again, Bo's expression is the dead giveway. Whups! *CLICK* The rest of the shots do look good. But ya know, I've never figured out the promo shots with the cowboy hats. I saw Bo wear a hat in one ( 1 ) episode, bein' One-Armed Bandits. I've never seen Luke wear that grey hat in an episode. Or did I miss somethin'? On the calendar - don't get me wrong, it's still great. I just happen to have a pretty extensive collection of cast photos - and I've got some that are the same shots, but with expressions that actually turned out. If you look closely at a couple, you'll see cast shots where one person isn't smiling, or is looking off in the wrong direction, ect. No big screamin' deal. I'm happy to see new stuff too, and there's something to be said for seeing things that are not picture-perfect. Makes it more down to earth, and they feel a bit more like family photos. Which to many of us....they are!

Meanwhile, in the saloon, Brian was keeping his eyes open. He noted the entrance of the blonde drifter, who underneath the layer of trail dust, appeared to be well-armed and ready to prove it. The drifter's body language was clear enough. Brian observed the tall drifter for a silent moment, recognizing the veiled threat in the man's posture. Maybe it was just for defense....or maybe this man had a purpose in Hazzard that could conflict with his own. The difference could mean an exchange of lead, and Brian was in no hurry to trade it. His dark-eyed gaze panned over to the local hardcase who sat in a corner. The man in the black hat offered nothing friendly in expression. Brian gave a flat stare in response. Like rattlesnakes who were occupying the same rock in the sunlight, there was a grudging tolerance between them. At least for now. The arrival of the pair of dandys caused Brian to turn his gaze. The man and woman had an unmistakable resemblance. They also looked like honest folk, and therefore appeared somewhat out of place in the current company. Brian tipped his hat towards the refined-looking lady, giving her a pleasant smile. To her companion, he gave a small nod. No threat seemed likely from this quarter. The sound of a woman's bright laughter made Brian look to a poker table. A brazenly-dressed woman appeared to be reeling in some winnings. It looked like the queen of diamonds was holding a pair, and she was about to put down a jack. Recognizing a professional cardsharp when he saw one, Brian made a mental note to keep his wallet shut. The barmaid returned, distracting Brian from his people-watching. He pretended to seriously debate whether or not he wanted another beer, all to give himself more time to ogle the barmaid. She caught on to this and spun away in a huff. Chuckling to himself, Brian returned his attention to the remainder of his beer. He remained alert, expecting that trouble would probably start eventually. It was just a question of with who, and when... (cue anybody!)

Thanks for the link, Inga! Yer terrific. I'm diggin' the DVD's too. But has anyone else noticed that the casting shots on the box just seem a bit off? The main cover is fine, but the inside flaps with Bo and Luke just ain't the best pictures of either of them. It's almost like WB was looking for something new in the way of publicity photos - and they're using stuff that was never used before - for good reason. Heh. I noticed the same thing on the Dukes calendar that came out last fall. I'm not complaining, 'cause these photos are still fun to look at. Proof as well, that anybody can take a bad picture. Khee! But that's just the wrapper. The DVD's themselves are a must-have. Even if you've seen every episode a million times, the quality of these DVD's, with the uncut eps and all the little extras, make it well worth the investment.

Val, I think that's a fairly clever idea. And if there is any truth whatsoever in the wild rumor about Dolly Parton having a role, this would be an even better matchup to have Kenny Rogers as Jesse Duke. Dolly and Kenny have great rapport and good mutual chemistry. Also balances out the demographics with another household name, one from an older generation than Jessica Simpson's fans. Go ahead and set it up, Val. We'll back ya.

A dry, hot breeze sifted through Hazzard and stirred dust from the streets. The burning sun baked the small town and oppressed it with battering heat. It wasn’t a good day to be wearing black. Brian pondered this as he trudged wearily through the town square. He had promised to run some errands for his cousins, and he was finally finished. All that was on his mind now was a cold beer and some air conditioning. But first, this black leather jacket had to go, before he melted into a puddle on the asphalt. He paused alongside of Diablo, wanting to shed the jacket before getting into the oven-roasted interior of the car. Shrugging out of the jacket, Brian didn’t notice the rolled-up script falling free from the inner pocket. It hit the ground and the wind tossed it, opening the pages. Too late, Brian caught the sight of it lying in the street. He leapt for it, knowing that a loose script in town could cause untold chaos…. ***** ***** **** BUCKSHOT ( a western RR free-for-all ) A dry, hot breeze stirred the open cattleman’s coat, casting it back like a cape. Brian tugged down the low-brimmed rustler’s hat against the blowing dust, squinting his dark eyes against the glare of the sun. Near his boots, a collection of papers crinkled and flapped in the hot wind. One quick stomp prevented the papers from escape. But it was not Brian’s boot that had landed upon the wayward script. Instead, it was the broad hoof of one large, black horse. “Good boy, Damascus. Now gimmie that….†Brian stooped down to reach for the papers, but Damascus didn’t intend to share. The long, thick neck of the black horse craned down fast, the script now taken between the horse’s teeth. Damascus tossed his head up and began to chew, ears pricked forward in contentment. “GAAAH! No, Damascus! You can’t eat that! Stoppit! C’mere!†Brian grabbed at Damascus’s reins, but he had the disadvantage of standing on the ground against a massive animal with a wicked sense of humor. Damascus turned his head and pivoted on his hind legs, pressing a muscular flank against Brian and ignoring him. The script was gone before Brian could do anything about it. He stared at Percheron-Arabian in dismay. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done?!†Damascus cocked one ear back and gave a horse’s belch. The long head of the horse swung to bear on Brian, looking for dessert. *sugar?* “No, you’re not getting a treat! Bad horse! Bad! Bad!†Brian’s tone caused Damascus to put both ears back. The black horse lowered his head a sulked a little, not understanding the big deal. Next time he’d let Brian eat a page, if it meant all that much to him. “Argh….†Brian gave a short growl of frustration and tugged on Damascus’s reins, leading the horse on foot. There was a nearby water trough at the Boar’s Nest Saloon, and the horse needed to drink before the script gave him indigestion, or worse. “@#%&* horse….†At the trough, Damascus stuck his nose in and drank heavily. Brian looked around the rustic town and pondered the implications of what had just happened. There was no telling who would end up here, and what would follow. He would have to stay alert and be ready to meet anything that came, head-on. After Damascus had drank his fill, Brian tethered the horse to a hitching post outside of the Boar’s Nest Saloon. Damascus pointed one rear foot and relaxed his stance, ready for a nap after his fiber-filled script snack. Brian sighed and dug a sugar cube out of an outer coat pocket, giving the horse a peace offering. This done, he marched up the steps to the Saloon, his spur-less boots making soft thuds against the wooden planking. He pushed the swinging doors open and stepped inside. He found a place at the end of the bar. Standing with one boot braced on the bar rail, Brian leaned against the bar and waved down a drink. The cellar-cooled beer was refreshing on this hot day, and he sipped at it gratefully. He might as well enjoy himself. Still, he remained wary, and leaned his left side against the bar, keeping his right hand free. Beneath the long flap of the thin black coat he wore, he had the means to defend himself, and a lightning-fast draw behind it. He was no greenhorn to the frontier or it’s methods. If someone felt like trying their luck today, they’d find him well-prepared….. ( Cue anybody! )

Very funny, cousin. Awright, ya know what? I'll show ya what happens in a couple hundred years....lemme take you on a little time-travel right now. Ya'll note, MaryAnne hasn't seen any of this story yet, and by postin' this little ditty heah, I might find it necessary to take a sudden and unplanned vacation a few thousand miles away. ***** ***** ***** VAPOR LOCK Velvet infinity surrounded MaryAnne. The mesmerizing shimmer of uncounted stars hovered silently in the blackness of space, the luster of their silver light beckoning home all troubled souls. Right through her patrol quadrant, she imagined. Trouble seemed to follow comet trails through her universe. Why, she didn’t know. Hazzard’s interstellar presence was only that of a small planet in a quiet backwater of space. Hardly worth the trajectory bypass. Or coronary bypass, as the case may be. Her communication console blared to life, the visage of Boss Hogg filling the cruiser-class pursuit ship. As usual, his white gravity suit was impeccable, despite the enormous lunch he was in the midst of consuming. Food stains were unknown to Boss, due to his vortex-sized appetite making short work of every crumb. The food didn’t last long enough to be spilled. “MaryAnne Coltrane!†Boss bellowed through a full mouth. “Yes, Boss?†“Your ticket quota better be caught up this lunar phase! Or else I’ll give your fancy flyin’ machine to somebody that knows how to make money with it!†“I’ll catch it up,†MaryAnne said with strained patience. “You do that! I’m not payin’ good money for you and Rosco to go sightseein’ Uranus out there!†“You’re right,†MaryAnne answered. “You’re not payin’ hardly anything –“ Rosco’s image cut in on the monitor, which immediately split the screen to accommodate both appearances. “Uh, Boss, what MaryAnne means is, we’re expectin’ a big crime spree in these parts. We’ll have some fines comin’ in for ya, don’t you worry.†Boss was unimpressed. “Rosco, the only crime spree I seen lately, was you tryin’ to hotwire a satellite! ONE OF MINE!†“DOHHO! I can explain that! Ya see, my cruiser bumped into it on re-entry, and it kinda nudged the satellite off course, and –“ “And stopped all WHOGG broadcastin’ for the whole planet! You cost me plenty in advertisin’ revenue! Not countin’ the repairs on your cruiser! Not countin’ the cost of one satellite crashin’ down in smithereens! Rosco, you owe me so much money, you’re gonna need a time warp to keep up with the payments! If you don’t get some cash comin’ in, I’m gonna rent you out to deep space, and you can spend the rest of your life patrolling a black hole!†“JIT! No, Boss! I’ll make it up to ya!†“Harrrumph!†Boss’s chubby scowl winked out from the monitor, the communication terminated. Rosco’s image was now alone within MaryAnne’s screen, looking at her worriedly. “He doesn’t mean it,†MaryAnne offered in comfort. “Yes he does,†Rosco said flatly. On the screen, MaryAnne saw him lean back in the command seat of his cruiser, heaving a resigned sigh. “Sweetheart, we catch enough bad guys to keep our badges, but it takes fines and ticket money to pay for a Plymouth StarFury.†“We can’t force people to break the law,†MaryAnne said. “What does Boss expect? You’ve nailed the Dukes with so many tickets, they won’t take the General Lee for an orbit when you’re on duty. We’ve ticketed everybody in Hazzard to the point nobody wants to launch!†An expression of guilt crossed Rosco’s face, making the space-seasoned Sheriff appear older than his years. He glanced down at his uniform of blue and black, the gravity suit of the Hazzard law being the one possession he was normally proud of. Self-consciously, he adjusted the star emblem upon his chest, as if it were suddenly out of place upon him. MaryAnne immediately regretted her rebuke. She knew the circumstances that kept Rosco in subservience to Boss, and rubbing her cousin’s face in it wasn’t going to help anything. She was about to say something in apology when the sudden wheep of her scanners interrupted the transmission. Her eyes read the system displays quickly, and she barked out instructions to her voice-activated console. “Velocity and registration, make of vehicle, inbound vector 36, Atlanta quadrant!†The system-generated reply was useless. The response was announced in a mechanized voice as the words flashed on the display monitor. VELOCITY UNKNOWN, REGISTRATION UNKNOWN, VEHICLE UNKNOWN. VECTOR CONFIRMED AS INBOUND 36, ATLANTA QUANDRANT. THIS PROGRAM HAS CAUSED AN ILLEGAL OPERATION AND WILL BE SHUT DOWN. A red circle with an “x†appeared in the monitor and the screen froze up. “Dammit!†MaryAnne swore and smacked the monitor. “Boss and his second-hand operating systems!†With a frustrated growl, she reset the system and lost all the readings. She snapped the communication link open to Rosco and hoped he’d obtained the tracking data. “Rosco! Did your scanner pick up that flyby on vector 36?†“Khee! I got it! Velocity is over the limit by 10,000 lightspeeds, I’m in hot pursuit!†The wail of Rosco’s cruiser was clear in the background, along with the noise of the Fury’s propulsion. MaryAnne checked her exterior displays and saw Rosco’s cruiser veering away from her own, issuing chase. Red and blue lights signaled the pursuit authority of the StarFury, and the gun turret of the Enforcement Beam swung to bear on the fleeing space vehicle. MaryAnne urged her own cruiser into pursuit behind Rosco’s. She had no fix on the fleeing craft, thanks to the system failure, but she locked onto Rosco’s position as the next best thing. In keeping with standard procedure, she activated the Beam turret and pursuit lights, standing ready to assist Rosco if necessary. “What are we chasing?†She asked him. “I didn’t get a complete scan,†Rosco admitted. “Whatever it is, it’s leavin’ a vapor trail hot enough to melt moon rock. Khee khee!†“You didn’t get ….†MaryAnne paused and felt her heart constrict. Instead of debating her cousin and superior officer’s wisdom, she moved her StarFury into a parallel position with Rosco’s cruiser. She issued a verbal command to the scanners and prayed they would work for her this time. “Weapon and defense analysis of vehicle, inbound vector 36!†The mechanized voice answered while the words flashed upon the screen. WEAPONS AFFIRMATIVE CONFIRMED ACTIVATED. DEFENSE AFFIRMATIVE, CONFIRMED ACTIVATED. Another box appeared on the monitor immediately afterwards. YOU ARE A WINNER, CLAIM YOUR PRIZE NOW! WHEEEEEEP! MaryAnne’s scanner shrieked in warning a second before a distortion-blast rocked her cruiser and sent the system readings blinking in confusion. Gritting her teeth, MaryAnne hung on to the steering throttle and reset the system again. Switching to manual weapons control, she grimly set the Enforcement Beam on Full Disable. As soon as her StarFury reoriented itself, she’d go on the offensive. Rosco’s concerned face appeared in the communications monitor. “MaryAnne, are you awright?†“I’m fine, Rosco. System’s down again tho’. See if you can get an ID on that…that whatever-it-is, before I blow it to kingdom come!†“Ten four! I’ll copy you.†A moment later, MaryAnne heard the series of code sequences chirping out over the channels. Rosco’s StarFury was doing its’ best to read the systems of the enemy vehicle while staying out of it’s assault range. “Any luck?†MaryAnne asked. “I got somethin’, but it’s not very helpful,†Rosco said hesitantly. “Show it to me! Any info beats what we’ve got now!†Rosco obliged, and the transmission appeared on the monitor, translated from code: @#$%&*!@#$%&*!@#$%&*!@#$%&*!@#$%&*! MaryAnne stared at it. “You’ve got to be kidding me.†“Nope. We’re getting @#$%&* in every language and dialect known in the galaxy.†***** ***** ***** ( To be completed in the near future....hopefully! Meanwhile, I think ah'd better make some quick travel arrangements....) Brian

Scoot, I don't know when you'll see this, but just wanted to clarify for ya that the Star Trek thang was just a little jest we were pullin' for April Fools. The fanfic page had been changed to show the Enterprise at a docking station in space....but only for a day or two. But, I have to confess somethin'. I can't get the idea of space out of my head. ( khee! ) And while I haven't had the guts to break this to MaryAnne yet ( don't tell her! ) I've started a....sci-fci story. It's called "Vapor Lock. " It goes where no Coltrane has ever gone before - and has no right to be. It's not a Trek-based story, tho'....instead, I pretty much took Hazzard County and shoved it into outer space just to see if the universe would implode. Naturally, if I don't do some counter-balance to this, and fast, I'm gonna mess mahself up pretty bad. Heh heh. So I'm gonna start a new RR story, western-based, on the board in the very near future. Somewhere in the middle of all this, I'll stay normal! Yeah, riiiiiight..... Brian

Bein' stuck there wasn't the worst part for ya, MaryAnne. It was the exit that had me worried. In ree-flection, I can only say....GAAAAAAH!! Heh heh! Brian

(speakin' for both myself and author heah) Thank ya for the kind praise. Hell's Tapwater was a story I almost gave up on, as I got stuck about halfway though it and couldn't figure out how some of it's problems were gonna be solved. I'm glad I made myself return to it, and most of all, I'm glad ya'll enjoyed it! Heartfelt thanks to MaryAnne and Lisa, respectively, for the everlastin' inspiration and help. Also thanks to Lisa for the updatin' of the KIN page. It's lookin' pretty darn slick ! I'm diggin' it. I remember when KIN was one story. Then we got up to a trilogy. Now it's a series, and there's no end in sight. I think the party is just gettin' started.

Seeing as how the Starsky and Hutch movie had cameos by the principal actors of the original series, I'd be surprised if Tom and John - and for that matter, Ben and Jimmie and Sonny and Rick - didn't get some kind of an appearance. I'd also be disappointed if the original cast didn't get any cameo. That's my one regret of this whole project....that it didn't come about 10 years sooner, and involve the original cast. Rather than dink around with the reunion movies on tv, I wish they had gone to the big screen from the get-go. Ah well. The fact that the Dukes of Hazzard remains in the hearts and imaginations of so many people, is what's important.

I've heard the same through other various sources. And after studying Jessica's personality a bit more, and gettin' over the sterotype dumb thing....she's a sweet kid at the core of it all. She also has great vocal talent, and it doesn't hurt that she's cute as a button. I'm glad she got it.

It's Lisa's birthday?! AGAIN? Holy cake!! Time flies when yer havin' fun!! Seriously tho', lemme express mah warmest wishes for one of the best fanfic authors in any genre. Lisa, may the years impart their wisdom, and yet leave you forever young. And as they say in Hee Haw... Saaaaal-ute! Brian

Here's a loose rumor I picked up in the alley, take it for what it's worth... The issue at stake for Jennifer Simpson and Britney Spears isn't just the role of Daisy Duke. Whoever is awarded the role, will allegedly have the chance to record a song for the movie soundtrack. This is an interestin' grain of gossip. Take, for comparison, the Starksy & Hutch movie. It didn't have anything overwhelming in the way of a soundtrack. There were the expected 70's tunes, a mix of classic rock and disco, but nothing that gave the movie added punch. ( David Soul's 70's hit, "Don't Give Up On Us Baby" , was more or less made fun of.) But it sounds like the Dukes movie soundtrack is going to be made to be appealing to Country music fans. Appealing enough to make them want to buy it. Tho' some musical variety will no doubt be present. Anyhow, in the original series...Waylon's "Good Ol' Boys" theme defined the Dukes of Hazzard in spirit and in verse. It also became one of the most widely recognized TV themes ever produced. Waylon's musical legacy with the Dukes of Hazzard may be the hardest act for the movie to follow.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Oh man, that was good. Smarmy, yet accurate. I especially dug the reference to "mysteriously begotten cousins." KHEE!! Inga, you dug up another gem. Thanks for sharin'!! Brian