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Redneck Christmas


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Figured this was a good place to plunk down some holiday humor. Here's a little ditty I found on the web for ya.

'Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack

Not a creature was stirrin', cept the lice on muh back.

The skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,

With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were sleepin', all snug in their beds,

While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.

And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.

Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.

When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,

I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.

I ran to the door, like I's on a mission,

But I tripped on some parts from muh granny's transmission.

The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin'.

Muh daughter weren't home yet, she wuz still out parkin'.

When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see

But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin' sheep.

With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin' and sick

I said "Shoot Fire!" That must be St. Nick!

More rapid than eX-lax his wooly sheep came

And he belched and he hollered, and he called 'em by name.

Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENOS!

On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS!

From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins

Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away you-ins!

I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.

Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.

He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,

I swear that ole' Santa looked just like Boss Hogg.

He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,

And his jeans were all bloody from that morning's boar hunt.

A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,

And he wore black boots that he'd picked up in 'Nam.

His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.

From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.

A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.

The veins on his face looked ready to pop.

The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip

He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.

He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.

I ain't seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.

He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three

And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me.

A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,

From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.

He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,

Then filled the kid's stockings with Hooked on Phonics.

His toys came from Big Lots and they weren't very nice

But he had tons of them and yuh can't beat the price.

He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells.

Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies,

And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size.

When the presents were gone and he had no more,

He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.

He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order

"Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!"

And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,

"MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL!"

YEE HAWWWW!

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Brian...

I have two words for you... THAT ROCKED!! LOL That was hilarious and you inspired me to dig up my own little Duke Christmas carol, blow the dust off of it and revise it!

:) Hope everyone likes it!!

Jax

The Twelve Days of Christmas...(Hazzard Style)

On the 1st day of Christmas, the Duke boys gave to me….

A ride in the General Lee….

On the 2nd day of Christmas, the Duke boys gave to me…

Two beers at the Boars Nest…

And a ride in the General Lee….

On the 3rd day of Christmas, the Duke boys gave to me…

Three flat tires…

Two beers at the Boars Nest

And a ride in the General Lee…

On the 4th day of Christmas, the Duke boys gave to me…

Four blown up stills,

Three flat tires,

Two beers at the Boars Nest,

And a ride in the General Lee…

On the 5th day of Christmas, the Duke boys gave to me…

Fiiiiive… jugs of shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!

Four blown up stills,

Three flat tires,

Two beers at the Boars Nest,

And a ride in the General Lee…

On the 6th day of Christmas, the Duke boys gave to me…

Six doggy num-nums

Fiiiiive… jugs of shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!

Four blown up stills,

Three flat tires,

Two beers at the Boars Nest,

And a ride in the General Lee…

On the 7th day of Christmas, the Duke boys gave to me…

Seven scuffed patrol cars,

Six doggy num-nums

Fiiiiive… jugs of shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!

Four blown up stills,

Three flat tires,

Two beers at the Boars Nest,

And a ride in the General Lee…

On the 8th day of Christmas, the Duke boys gave to me…

Eight speeding tickets,

Seven scuffed patrol cars,

Six doggy num-nums

Fiiiiive… jugs of shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!

Four blown up stills,

Three flat tires,

Two beers at the Boars Nest,

And a ride in the General Lee…

On the 9th day of Christmas, the Duke boys gave to me…

Nine Hazzard shortcuts,

Eight speeding tickets,

Seven scuffed patrol cars,

Six doggy num-nums

Fiiiiive… jugs of shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!

Four blown up stills,

Three flat tires,

Two beers at the Boars Nest,

And a ride in the General Lee…

On the 10th day of Christmas, the Duke boys gave to me…

Ten Cooter tune-ups

Nine Hazzard shortcuts,

Eight speeding tickets,

Seven scuffed patrol cars,

Six doggy num-nums

Fiiiiive… jugs of shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!

Four blown up stills,

Three flat tires,

Two beers at the Boars Nest,

And a ride in the General Lee…

On the 11th day of Christmas, the Duke boys gave to me…

Eleven phony charges,

Ten Cooter tune-ups

Nine Hazzard shortcuts,

Eight speeding tickets,

Seven scuffed patrol cars,

Six doggy num-nums

Fiiiiive… jugs of shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!

Four blown up stills,

Three flat tires,

Two beers at the Boars Nest,

And a ride in the General Lee…

On the 12th day of Christmas, the Duke Boys gave to me…

Twelve bungled bad guys,

Eleven phony charges,

Ten Cooter tune-ups

Nine Hazzard shortcuts,

Eight speeding tickets,

Seven scuffed patrol cars,

Six doggy num-nums

Fiiiiive… jugs of shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!

Four blown up stills,

Three flat tires,

Two beers at the Boars Nest,

And a riiiiiide in the General Leeeeeee… :)

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Ya can't fergit Cledus T. Judd's Christ-mas!

I don't want another fruitcake,

I don't need another ugly tie...NO!

Heard they had a sale on go karts

Down at Wal Mart

Ho ho a good buy.

Got no money in my pocket.

Can't believe it's Christmastime.

It's the crowds that bug me

Stuck in traffic like this.

It's kids causing a commotion.

It's shop at your own risk.

It's that Tickle Me Elmo,

It's (dang) un-find-able

Christ-mas!!! Christ-mas!!!

Un-shopp-able!

Christ-mas!!! Christ-mas!!!

It can make a feller uptight.

I must have been to fifteen stores or more.

All I wanted was a Lite Brite

But they sold out last night...of course.

Time I buy my kids a swing set,

I'd be broke forevermore...

Tis the season of givin'.

Tis that time of year.

Twas the night before Christmas,

Twas a pain in the rear.

It's the credit card payment,

Its (ahhh) un-payable...

Christ-mas!!! Christ-mas!!!

Return-able.

Christ-mas!!! Christ-mas!!!

You'll see Santa hop the rooftops

Rudolph's nose will be glowin' so bright.

There's a whole lot of parents losin' sleep

Nuthin' silent about this night...

Oh, Christmas is pure promotion

Let us not forget why...

We're all out shoppin'.

We're all out buyin'.

It's the off-key caroling.

Grandma's mistletoe kiss.

It's that one string of light bulbs

You can never get lit.

It's that gallon of egg nog,

It's so (uhhh) undrinkable.

Christ-mas!!! Christ-mas!!!

Decorate-able.

Christ-mas!!! Christ-mas!!!

It's the things you buy me baby.

It's the things I buy you darlin'...yeah.

It's the crowds that bug me

Stuck in traffic like this.

It's kids causing a commotion.

It's shop at your own risk.

Its that Faith Hill CD.

They're all sold out-able.

Christ-mas!!! Christ-mas!!!

Beautiful.

Christ-mas!!! Christ-mas!!!

It's the things you buy me baby.

It's the things I buy you darlin'...yeah.

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I just cant help myself! LOL Here's another one for all to enjoy!

:) Jax

Top Ten Hottest Christmas Gifts in Hazzard

10. A gift certificate for a free tow from Cooter’s Garage

9. Coupon good for one free flea dip

8. One slightly worn pair of Daisy Dukes

7. A year’s supply of raw liver

6. Free pitcher of beer at the Boar’s Nest

5. Season pass to the Tractor Pull and Demolition Derby

4. Coupon good for one free white suit dry cleaning and pressing

3. Free bucket of ribs from Shorty’s All-Night Rib Shack and Pool Hall

2. Buy one set of arrows, get a second set free

And the #1 Hottest Christmas gift in Hazzard this year…

1. A get-out-of-jail free card from the Hazzard County Jail

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Once it was mentioned I couldn't resist posting it. This is one of my favorite christmas songs

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

Grandma got run over by a reindeer

Walking home from our house Christmas Eve.

You can say there's no such thing as Santa,

But as for me an' Grandpa, we believe.

She'd been drinking too much eggnog,

And we begged her not to go.

But she forgot her medication,

And she staggered out the door into the snow.

When we found her Christmas morning,

At the scene of the attack

She had hoof prints on her forehead,

And incriminating Claus marks on her back.

Grandma got run over by a reindeer

Walking home from our house Christmas Eve.

You can say there's no such thing as Santa,

But as for me an' Grandpa, we believe.

Now we're all so proud of Grandpa,

He's been taking this so well.

See him in there watching football,

Drinking beer and playing cards with cousin Mel.

It's not Christmas without Grandma,

All the family's dressed in black.

And we just can't help but wonder

Should we open up her gifts or send them back?

SEND THEM BACK!!!???

Grandma got run over by a reindeer

Walking home from our house Christmas Eve.

You can say there's no such thing as Santa,

But as for me an' Grandpa, we believe.

Now the goose is on the table

And the pudding made of fig

(ahhhhh!)

And the blue and silver candles,

That would just have matched the hair in Grandma's wig.

I've warned all my friends and neighbours,

Better watch out for yourselves.

They should never give a license,

To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.

Sing it, Grandpa!

Grandma got run over by a reindeer

Walking home from our house Christmas Eve.

You can say there's no such thing as Santa,

But as for me an' Grandpa, we believe.

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