CAT BATHING AS A MARTIAL ART

[pendragon1980]

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away. I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers,I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce:"This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez." When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket. Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket.

Draw the water.

Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded.

Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point, and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least for now, he smells a lot better.

[Iloveschnieder]

Ahhh Pendragon, why didn't I read this earlier, for I have permanent scars from bathing not one cat, not two cats, not even three cats, but four, Yes I said FOUR cats! Unfortunatly I do not have a sliding glass door for my tub, go blame my cheaparse landlord for that. I had to bathe these Four manical cats with just the lowly shower curtain. I did find out one thing, if you can manage to grap a hold of thier slippery scruff of thier neck, they tend to dangle like an angry kitten in its momma's mouth, yet it is hard to hold on to.

Well I wish you good luck and safe batheing next time you have to bathe the stinky kitty, and I will definalty take your advice when I have to to battle with the manical foursome here.

[georgiagal1]

You tried to bathe FOUR cats a one time ?? Or four different times...?

[Iloveschnieder]

Sorry, didn't make myself clear. I bathed them one after the other, but boy did they seem to get meaner and meaner. I think the wet ones were telepathically telling the dry ones what was going on! By the time I got to the last cat, it felt like I was trying four at once. Damn fleas!

(we found kittens in my garage so had to bring them in, and ended up bringing in so many fleas that the cats had to put no vacancy signs up!)

[georgiagal1]

Oh lol I was thinking goodness shes got guts!

[Iloveschnieder]

Well in the words of Cooter "I maybe crazy but I ain't dumb..."

[georgiagal1]

good one

[AmandaRobson]

This topic is yet another reason I thank the lord that I have no cats! However bathing dogs can be quite the experiance as well, particularily when one is afraid of water.

The best way I can recomend washing your canine pals is this, a hose is your best friend (next to your dog of course). However, this method won't work in the winter in a cold climate, so be advised.

But here's how I do it.... crank the hose up, be prepared to get wet and chase em around the backyard. See the good thing with dogs is they it's a game, and they want to play.

I guess I can't really complain, I feel bad for you cat bathers!

Good luck to all of you, dog owners..... let's be thankful!

[reesie]

Y'all think its hard, try havin' 8 cats. They each get a bath once a week. If you dont believe me, wanna hear their names? They all have russian names, so ill put the pronounciation.

Boris /bor iss

Kesa /key sa

Larissa /la ris ssa

Anastasya /ann uh sta zee uh

Egor /ee gor

Chakkar /sha car

Vasille /va seel ee

Tatiana /tat ee on a

well? are you amazed? some of those little boogers put up a nasty fight. they meow and hiss like their dying! lol

reesie

[Iloveschnieder]

I have to ask, why all Russian names? I also pitty you on those days that they all must be bathed.

Here are my cats names

O'Ryan (he's an orange tabby)

Pinkie (she's a gray calico)

Mushie / Moo-she (He's a gray tabby)

Ginger (she's an orange and brown calico)

[georgiagal1]

Mushie? Aww thats so cute! I've never heard that one before. I like the russian names to. Its not another common name like fluffy...

[Iloveschnieder]

Whats funny is that Mushie is a very common name in Germany. It is the German version of kitty. My aunt in Germany had a cat named Mushie, my older (14&15 yrs older) sisters had a Mushie, so it kind of just goes with out saying that I would eventually have one.

I also had two cats and two dogs when we live in NC. Unfortunalty when we moved to Philly I had to give them away. Their names were

Duke (choc lab)

Duchess (Choc lab)

Prince (tabby cat)

and Princess (calico)

[reesie]

my mum is a little russian and so am i. she is trying to learn russian, so she decided, why not start with the cats? lmao

[Iloveschnieder]

I have an old Russian neighbor. She still knows some of the Russian that she spoke as a little girl. She is almost 87. When she was a preschool child she didn't know any English. They lived in an all Russian neighborhood.

Good luck with learning it.

[reesie]

Hey, you think im trying to learn russian? lol. I couldnt! Did you know that you have to learn a whole NEW alphabet? They have more letters than ours! We take spanish in school, and i hate it. I know some french. Im from Pennsylvania and im stickin with english! lol

[georgiagal1]

I speak Spainish, although it took me forever to learn the alphabet. I could never say the double rr.

[Iloveschnieder]

Sorry I meant for your mom good luck learning it.

Heck it depends on what part of PA you live in what language you need to speak. Here in Philly we have a strong Russian section, were even the billboards are in Russian.

Hmmmm wonder if old Russians when they bathe thier cats use Voka. And if they do, do they drink it, have the cats drink it, bathe the cats in it or all of the above?

[reesie]

iloveschneider, you are so funny. lol. the dvd thing and cats, girl, you got it all.

[Iloveschnieder]

iloveschneider, you are so funny. lol. the dvd thing and cats, girl, you got it all.

Thanks Reesie! I try to be, though if you ask my human children (vs my feline children) they may have a different opinon about me being funny!

Thankfully with it being winter, the fleas seemed to have died off. So luckly for me and the kitties, no more baths are needed for awhile, at least until they start smelling like port-a-potties. Then I might see if I can just Frebreeze them!

Hmmm should we call Frebreeze and sugest that they come up with a pet version, to be actually used on the pets?

[reesie]

If your cats are outdoor cats, then dont bother with the fleas. If they are indoor cats, there is flea shampoo you can buy. Kittens are like, born with those fleas. When I got my one cat, she got a flea bath 6 times. Wash, rinse.......... dry, brush, clean the ears, get a collar and BAM! a brand new cat, like it just came out of the box. LOL. How to bathe a cat. There is more to it, but I ain't typing it all now. Some one needs to right a damn book! LOL.

reesie

[Iloveschnieder]

My big boy is an outdoor cat. He was the first cat, and I got him from someone who aloud him out doors. The two babies are strictly in door cats, and they seem to look at thier big brother with envy. My one other cat has escaped and I only see brief glances of her. We are all excited when we have a "Pinkie" (her name) sighting.

At least at the moment all the fleas outside are dead. Come summer time I will have to start buying that outrageously expensive flea control drops.

[reesie]

Hey, it only takes 1 flea. You got 1, you'll have alot later.

[Iloveschnieder]

Oh don't I know it. At least right now big boy ain't bringin' in any new ones. The frost here killed them all. In NC we had a huge flea problem all year long. No frost to kill them or make them go dormant what ever, in the winter. The outside fleas I mean.

[reesie]

Yup. Pm me anytime. Honestly, i have nuthin' else to talk about. Lol. Got a new topic for the hazzard swamp?

reesie