pendragon1980 Posted September 27, 2004 Report Share Posted September 27, 2004 I know a few others here watch the Blue Collar TV with Jeff Foxworthy, Ron White and Larry the cable guy. But what I would like to know is...does anyone else find the sketches looking disturbingly familiar to family events? To me, Jeff's Foxworthy's list of "You might be a redneck if..." is less a comedy skit and more a checklist for my next family reunion. As of such, I got a couple of Pendragon originals to add to the list. *ahem* You might be a redneck if...1)...A wedding procession in your family consists completely of pickup trucks, including the vehicle carrying the bride and groom. 2)...See above, except for a funeral, with the vehicle carrying the casket.3)...Your family pet is refered as a sibling...not for a sign of affection but more for the family resemblence. Now back to your regularly scheduled chaos.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eddiemunster Posted October 7, 2004 Report Share Posted October 7, 2004 I've always liked: You might be a redneck if 1.) Your wife's new hair-do gets caught in the ceiling fan, and 2.) Your 16-year-old daughter fires up a cigerette at the dinner table, in front of her children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaryAnne Posted October 7, 2004 Report Share Posted October 7, 2004 I love that Blue Collar Comedy Tour!"Git 'er done!"Bill Engvall's "Here's Your Sign" listing is funny too. "I hate stupid people. They should just wear a sign that says "I'm Stupid" then you won't have to deal with them..... Excuse me--whoa! Sorry 'bout that. Didn't see your sign. Never mind!"ROFLAs for both that listing and the "You Might Be a Redneck" listing resembling any family events.... yes. ROFL. And I'm further north than you are Pendragon! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pendragon1980 Posted October 7, 2004 Author Report Share Posted October 7, 2004 My personal favorite is Ron White. I have a soft spot for political and social satire comedians. He tops the list with the likes of George Carlin and Louis Black. Plus, the fact he cusses like a sailor and always looks he just stumbled out of a bar, which is probably accurate. Pen "Tater Salad" Dragon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capt_Redneck Posted October 7, 2004 Report Share Posted October 7, 2004 It is funny that a lot of the "You might be a redneck" jokes do seem all too accurate. Even though I am Long Island, I have my Mama's side of the family in NC. And in a rural area, not a big city. Going down to visit and hanging around the people makes me think of Jeff Foxworthy. I liked the one Pendragon said about the funeral procession and pick-up trucks..That one hit home to me. My Grandma died back in 99 and we went down for the funeral. And drivin' to the cemetary , roads all shut down for her and about 10-15 pick-ups in the funeral procession and at the church. Darrell Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian Coltrane Posted October 8, 2004 Report Share Posted October 8, 2004 Man, I don't dare offer any examples on my own behalf. I'd lower the standard. Heh Heh.Oh, awright, maybe just one r' two examples. These are geunine. Lessee... I've used 190 proof corn alcohol to light my charcoal grill. It's healthier than the store-bought lighter fluid, and it burns longer. Only drawback being, it reduces the charcoal to ash in no time flat. I've also become an accomplished sprinter, thanks to my vehicular adventures. One fine day when my late-model Chevy conked out on the road in the middle of nowhere, I got out to push it. Being a smart cuss, I was pushing it from the driver's side door column, so I could turn the wheel n' all that. Well, turned out the road had a slight grade to it and suddenly the pushing gets real easy. And then the Chevy decided it didn't need me anymore and rolled completely away, coasting down the highway with the door wide open. I ran like hell to catch up with it and found speed I never knew I had. Managed to dive in and hit the brake after a quarter-mile run. Yes, I was a redneck track star. Brian Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pendragon1980 Posted October 8, 2004 Author Report Share Posted October 8, 2004 Oh let's see....How around on three (3) different occasions asking a fella out on a date and then finding out he is a distant relation?Not kidding. I live in a small town. Kinda makes me shudder to think how many times my family tree might have interconnected. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Val Strate Posted October 8, 2004 Report Share Posted October 8, 2004 Pendragon, I know what ya mean. I looked at a map from the 1800's of the area I grew up in. There are only a couple of main family names splashed across the plots of land. Like maybe three or four in this tiny area. But like 20 plot blocks with the same name. It's like, whoa! Everybody is connected to somebody. Found out one time that a good friend of mine and a high school crush was distantly related to me by marriage. So I know where you come from there.As far as Redneck examples... Oh boy... I could name a ton. Some my own example...1) When a barn pitch fork becomes a defense weapon, yeah, ya might be a redneck... 2) When Racoons come to your door seeking revenage because of example number one. 3) When you almost get chased by a rabbi racoon because it looks alot like the family cat... you might be a redneck.4) Instead of blowing your hair with a hair dryer you use a cattle blower.... 5) (this one is an orginal Jeff Foxworthy one and I know it applies, especially with running back and forth all the time to and from school and work) When you got more than 5 McDonald's bags on the floor of your car, ya might be a Redneck.6) When your yearly family vacation is a trip to the county fair... Yeah, ya might be a Redneck.7) When your younger brother gets the nickname from his friends, "Little Texas" and his friends nicknames are "Jim Bob", "Barb Que", "Bacon", "Ketchup" or anything else to do with Macho food products or animal names.8) When you have friends that think square dancing should be an Olympic sport.9) When you have chirstmas lights still hanging up in the middle of March.... and your father thinks he should keep them up all year long.Drum role here....... For Number 10.....10) You might be a redneck if you check this forum everyday like I do and I know others do.....YEEEEHHHHAAAWWWW! *speaks in a Cartman from Southpark voice* Yes, I am proud to be a Redneckian American. Now back to eatin' my cheesie poofs....Val Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaryAnne Posted October 9, 2004 Report Share Posted October 9, 2004 Tater Salad! "You are under arrest for being drunk in pub-LECK." "I'm not drunk in pub-LECK. I was drunk in a bar!"My family tree consists of every aspect of New England history you can think of, including northern bootleggers and an owner of a speaskeasy back in the '20's. Tracing back to the early 1800's, on my mother's side, they were able to trace back to a great-great-great(however many) grandfather from England named....drum roll please......ENOS! I kid you not! =)Okay my own based-on-personal-experience redneck-isms...You might be a redneck if...1. You consider Primer Grey to *be* a color choice for your car. 2. When faced with the task of fixing something your two favorite words are "Duct Tape."3. You other favorite word is "WD40"4. You plant flowers in your yard and your father gets a little over zealous with the weed wacker. "Took them things down in one whack! Hoowee!"5. You're proud you bought the heavy duty car cover because the neighborhood cats congregate on your car during the winter because it's the only place in the neighborhood where they can take a piss and not discolor the snow.6. When attending a formal dinner, you become confused at the three forks, two spoons and three drinking glasses that are placed in front of you.7. You mistake the appetizer at the formal dinner for the main meal and vocally complain about how small the portions are. (I'm hungry dammit!)8. You argue that the arrival of NASCAR was the biggest economic booster to your neck of the woods.9. Your idea of dining out is going to the local KFC and bringing it back home. And finally....10. For New England Rednecks only. You can't understand why some flatlander can't understand what yer asking for when yer looking for "pahts fer tha cah..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian Coltrane Posted October 9, 2004 Report Share Posted October 9, 2004 BAHAHAHA!! Those are all pretty good. A few things to add on my own behalf:1) You eat yer dinnner right out of the pan you cooked it in. And if you have leftovers, you shove the entire pan into the fridge.2) Havin' barbed-wire fencin' around yer property is a status symbol.3) You shoot a gun into the air to celebrate the following: New Year's Eve, Fourth of July, family weddings, and whenever your sports team wins a big game. 4) You get excited when motor oil is on sale. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Val Strate Posted October 10, 2004 Report Share Posted October 10, 2004 *Giggling* Oh MA! I think we were switched at birth or sumt'n.... You ain't going to belive this either but I have a Great grandfather and an Uncle (cause he was named after the grandfather).... Roscoe. However it's spelt with an 'e' at the end but still... I am related to someone named 'Roscoe'. Oh this is grand.... Brian, the Barb wire thing applies here as well. It's around half of our property with.... ta da, woven wire fence! Uh huh, pretty snazzy! The motor oil thing works too. I do get excited when I see motor oil on sale. Hey, "the way them Ahrabs got us by the throat..." we awta get excited over motor oil.I have one to add tho', anyone ever get excited about going to Senior prom in a one ton duelly crew cab pickup truck! *raises hand* Me! *chuckles* All these gals come out of their limo's with their dates, feeling a great. I felt like queen of the school, riddin' up with my date in the snazzy duelly. Oh, this is fun. Thanks for bringing the topic up Pendragon.Val Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaneyDuke Posted October 10, 2004 Report Share Posted October 10, 2004 =) This thread has been a blast to read, thanks y'all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pendragon1980 Posted October 10, 2004 Author Report Share Posted October 10, 2004 I've been guilty on #9 of MaryAnne's and #1 of Brian's. ALthough, deputy, every now and then you just gotta spurge on hit the Taco Bell drivethru....like on Thanksgiving. OK, I have a couple more....If you wait up one morning and find 6 inches of rainwater in your BEDROOM. ...If you find mushrooms growing INSIDE your house at any point. (A couple of you know the story behind the above two. The rest of y'all just gotta use your imagination)...If your grandmother accidently grew a certain illegal plant not for the usual reasons but because "it just looked so purty".AND...(drumrolls please)....If you have more dogs and/or livestock than people at a family reunion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eddiemunster Posted October 10, 2004 Report Share Posted October 10, 2004 Here's one that relates to me:You know you're a redneck when the local bar you hang out at used to be a speakeasy in the 1920's.Really. I've heard, but never have seen yet, the tunnell from the house next door where they smuggled in the booze. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pendragon1980 Posted October 11, 2004 Author Report Share Posted October 11, 2004 (Here's a couple for the sheriff's department)Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder1. All the DNA is the same.2. There are no dental records. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaryAnne Posted October 11, 2004 Report Share Posted October 11, 2004 BAHAHAHAHHAA!!! Now y'all know why my job is so hard! ROFL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capt_Redneck Posted October 11, 2004 Report Share Posted October 11, 2004 That was good Pendragon.......Now stop pickin' on my family in the Carolina's .....Darrell Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pendragon1980 Posted October 11, 2004 Author Report Share Posted October 11, 2004 I got another, very recent and true.You might be a redneck (and a blonde) IF....You accidently put your paycheck through the wash with your workclothes.D'OH!Deputy, I am now guilty of money laundering. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eddiemunster Posted October 11, 2004 Report Share Posted October 11, 2004 Been there, done that! Add money-laundering to my list, too! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capt_Redneck Posted October 12, 2004 Report Share Posted October 12, 2004 That is why I use direct deposit now...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian Coltrane Posted October 12, 2004 Report Share Posted October 12, 2004 Pendragon, you are the Queen of the Rednecks. If not the High Priestess! I award you this scepter ( bathroom plunger ) and paper crown (obtained from the local Burger King.) I offer you a gift of fragrance (Deep Woods Off ) and fine wine (Boone's Farm 3-for-five-dollars.) We heahby salute you with a Skoal 21-gum salute. Pting! Brian Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Val Strate Posted October 12, 2004 Report Share Posted October 12, 2004 *busts up laughing, but then gets down on knees before Pendragon.*Oh great Redneck Queen! W'all not wur-ddy *bowing down before her* W'all not wur-ddy! I'm just teasin' Pen... Congrads on your new title.Val Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eddiemunster Posted October 12, 2004 Report Share Posted October 12, 2004 All this Redneck stuff just got me thinkin' about this one I can use about this Redneck woman I know at work.You know you're a Redneck if you drive your husband's Dodge Fifth-Wheel with a Cummins Diesel Engine to work every day.Gotta just love those Duelies!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pendragon1980 Posted October 13, 2004 Author Report Share Posted October 13, 2004 LOL. Thanks, Brian. Usually the only "royal" I have described to me preceds "Pain in the....". When it comes to rednecks, Brian. You are a king among Dukes. Pendragon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian Coltrane Posted October 13, 2004 Report Share Posted October 13, 2004 Pendragon, ah'm flattered. You got me thinkin' of how grand life could be with a real redneck woman like yerself. Just think...comin' home to our own trailer...fifteen dogs barkin' in the yard....aluminium cans scattered on the porch. We'd eat pork n' beans out of the same pan,...over the romantic, flickerin' light of a TV set with an illegal cable converter. Temptin'. Very temptin'.Brian Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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