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Wanted: Good ideas for bad deeds

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( A black-clad figure walks up to the town bulliten board and posts a notification that reads...)

If you're the Hazzard County law, don't read this. The rest of y'all, go ahead.

Local criminal seeks hell to raise. Looking for new heists that haven't been done. As I understand it, the Hazzard Bank has been robbed at least a dozen times already. The General Lee has been stolen before. Armored cars have been knocked over right and left. It's all been done!

Other than making off with the entire contents of the Hazzard County Sheriff's Department booking room, I can't think of a @#%& thing. (Besides, carrying a desk out by yerself tends to slow down an escape.)

Listen ya'll, it's so quiet around here, I'm ready to resort to complete and total reform because there's nothin' left to do. GAH!!!

If you have ideas, go ahead and leave 'em here for me to ponder.

Disclaimer: In case you were the Hazzard County law and read this anyway....this is all purely hypothetical. Ya got nothin' on me. KHEE!


Brian Coltrane

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*goes up and reads after Brian leaves then leaves something under Diablo's wiper blade*

Gee Brian, why don't you steal Boss Hoggs Cadilac or something, i don't think that has been done yet. I know his house has been burgulerised already though otherwise i'd suggest that lol even though Lulu is ur cuz. I dunno, you could also steal dixie because i don't think that has been done yet either (i could be wrong). Or you could take Cooter's tow truck and start towing away cars and sticking them infront of real parking meters instead of having you're poor cousin drag the fake one out or the fake fire hydrant, but you'd need to get rid of Cooter and the Dukes, as in keep them occupied while you did the towing.

Oh, and another thing, you're right about things being dull, it's been driving me crazy! Please liven things up.

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(Game Warden comes up to the bulletin board whistling. She reads the new notice.)

AH! Crickets and Crocs!

(Rips the paper off the board. Crumples it up and stomps on it. Then realizes it's evidence. Picks it off the ground.)

Eeewww! I think I had gum on my shoes.

(Folds it up and puts paper in pocket to show MaryAnne and Rosco.)

I can't believe he'd stoop so low.

(Game Warden then heads inside to the courthouse whistling again, like nothing happened.)

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Hello Brian...

You need a new career? May I make a suggestion? You've done the bad guy thing, you've done the whole Michael Corleone THING...how about you grab some pretty little Hazzard lady and settle down? Get a nice farmhouse, some land, a big BARN and don't forget a PITCHFORK and a STRAW HAT. And what are you doing out of Atlanta?

Since I'm new around these parts I would like to know if any lovely Hazzard ladies be interested in a cruise to the Bahamas? I've got an extra ticket....

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(After strolling around the town square and studying the prospects for excitement - and not finding any - the black-clad figure walks back towards the bulliten board. En route, the note is found under Diablo's wiper blade.)

Hey, what's this? Looks like I got a re-ply to my post. Khee! Lessee heah. *reads note about tow-truck suggestion* Hmmm, that's somethin' fresh! Grand Theft Tow Truck. Heh heh. I'll keep that one on mind. *puts note inside of jacket pocket*

*leaves Diablo to walk up to bulliten board* Ah, hell. Can ya believe that? Some rotten hoodlum stole my notice off the board!

*takes another copy of notice from pocket, pins it up* I tell ya. People will take anythin' that ain't nailed down.

*looks over the board, finds a response posted* There's only one person I know who would use duct tape to post somethin' on a bulliten board. Must be from ol' MacGyver. *reads post, snorts at the content, and then writes a reply*

"To Fleetwood MacGyver: I haven't 'done' the bad guy thing. I AM a bad guy. Try and remember that, you toolshed tinker. What are you doing in Hazzard? Did you get fired from the Foundation for Law and Government? Whups, I forgot. They refused to hire ya! KHEEHAHAHA!!!"

Brian Coltrane

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(after reading Mac's response on the bulliten board, this reply is left, stuck into the board with a small knife. ka-THUNK!)

Mac, maybe YOU are lookin' to be a stunt double on Hee Haw, but I'm not gonna be an extra in Green Acres anytime soon. Ya dig?

As far as bein' a bad guy bein' boring....are you NUTS? I get chased by cops, rival criminals, good citizens, Feds, dogs, everything but the National Guard. (And it's early in the game yet.) Hell, I been shot, stabbed, beat up, nearly lynched, and I've been kicked, bit and mauled.

Hmm. I'm startin' to wonder WHY I ain't reformed altogher yet. But how could I leave all this behind? KHEE!

Now if ya really wanna impress me, you'd come up with some scheme I could pull off. Otherwise I'll be left to my own dee-vices.

And the rest of ya'll in Hazzard, don't tell me nobody has any other ideas! Don't tell me y'all are afraid of the law r' somethin'! I don't think MaryAnne even reads this board anymore. So c'mon, show your criminal ingenuity.


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Think that only BAD guys get hurt? I've been hurt worse than THAT and I'm not a bad guy...Just becuase you wear a black jacket don't make you KING. And since WHEN do bad guys shop for crimes in the yellow pages? I COULD come up with a crime to impress you but why should I? Why don't you use all that energy for something more USEFUL to give to Hazzard instead of a reign of terror... now.. do YOU dig?

Besides...who SAID I couldn't start my own crime spree? Maybe with some gorgeous, intelligent brunette woman at my side? She'd be treated like a queen!

Maybe what this town really needs is some NEW blood... Time to flush out the old and bring on the new. I know I'm enjoying the scenery so far so I JUST might settle here.


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*slips another note under diablo's wiper blade, hoping this owrks like the last time to prevent being caught*

Hey brian, here's another one for ya. Why don't you try stealing boss hoggs fridge while Miss LUlu is gone.

You could also impersonate a police officer... well, okay, rosco and MA would go nuts and gocrazy, and i know you'd never be able to live up to that, so i guess you can't do that one. YOu could loose your trademark black and inmpersonate boss... nah, you'd probably not like that... hmm... knock over the gun shop or hte knife shop? You could also go into boat stealing. or you could do some pit pocketing (stay the ehck out of my perse). why not try stealing everyones hats too?

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(After reading the last message from Mac, a reply is left as follows....)

Mac, give it up, man. You're not in my league. If you think I'm gonna quiety step aside so you can mosey in and take squatter's rights, yer mistaken. Better ( and worse) people than you have gone up against me and lost. It'll take more than your tricks with duct tape and tinfoil to remove one Brian Coltrane!

(the note is riddled with knife holes, which were stabbed liberally throughout for emphasis. ) "There. Dig THAT, Mac." (leaves knife imbedded at top of note.)

(Walks back to Diablo, and finds Hilery's note. Removes note from under wiper blade, reads suggestions...one of which are catching on...)

"Say now....impersonatin' a cop...." (folds note shut, thinks about it)

"Impersonatin' a cop has probably been done in Hazzard before...but hell, it ain't never been done by ME! And I happen to know somethin' about cops. KHEE! I think we may be on to somethin' here! Just imagine the possibilities!"

(checks own reflection in Diablo's side mirror - speaks to self in encouragement) "I'd look good in uniform, I think. Yes indeed!" (straightens up, and looks around town) "Now I just gotta get my hands on a uniform. And I know one place I'm NOT gonna get it from. But there's no need to raid Rosco's closet, when folks in this town are so dang trustin'..." (whistling happily, walks down the street, a plan already forming within the mischievous mind.)

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Hmmm, hard work comin' up with a new prank.

Being bad is fun.

I wish my character was bad sometimes but we need a good Tizdale. Then again...her sister could come to the great Hazzard County sometime and reap havic.

Keep being the bad guy, it's a dirty job but somebody's gotta do it.

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*walks up to diablo and leaves another note*

Well you're gonna need a patrol car. I'm sure something can be arranged though. Either that or steal Rosco's patrol car or maryannes, but they'd notice immediately. Your best bet is to take a car from teh junk yard, get it painted white, and stick a gold sticker on it to make it look like a patrol car. Don't forget the gumballs. Things have been so dull i'm willing to help. Call on the CB if you need some help.

At this rate, no one will know you're getting these idea's from me LOL.

oh and another idea for ya: steal all the coffee makers out of the auto lots, or spray paint something saying what kind of junk the cars are onto the sign. Boss Hogg would just love that. Or you could even find a cat (stay away from mine unless you want the dogs t be hurt), and drivet hem nuts. ie rosco and maryannes dogs. it'd be commical that's for sure. You could even throw bags of flour at the sheriffs department and turn them ghost white, and throw mudd at Boss.

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(A not so strange stranger strolls up to the bulletinboard and reads the various messages that have been posted up, especially noting those left by a Brian Coltrane and held in place by a knife. The retorts back and forth between Coltrane and MacGyver were entertaining enough. He wondered however, what the local law thought of all this...)

(The stranger observes Brian admiring his reflection in the mirror of a black Chevy and gloating about impersonating a cop. The stranger has an idea and after finding a pen and piece of paper, leaves the following message...)


Would like to help you in your quest to raise some hell. May not be of too much help in a caper with my old age here but, what the hell. May be able to help you get some of the...items...you seek. Leave a reply here.


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Crickets and Crocs! Has Hazzard gone to heck in a hand basket! Why in heck does Mac wanna be here? (Yes, yes, Slow Burn I know) Essy wants to be bad and so does Hillery wants to give Brian bad ideas too!

Daney's asleep some where and MA hasn't been anywhere in sight along with Rosco! Something's missing!

*Troubled Game Warden stands on the steps scratching her head. Then she puts her green hat on.*

I don't like it. I just don't like it! Something is cooking and when I find MA or Daney I'm gonna let them know. Until then, I'm keeping my eyes pealed, and my CB set to Hazzard Law's channel.

*Turns around and heads back into the courthouse to feed Fang some mice.*

I wonder why Daney and MaryAnne aren't out on the move to stop Brian, or this Mac guy.


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Tisk Tisk TIsk...

Poor Brian...he just DOESN'T know when to leave town quietly... Face it Brian you're old NEWS! Been there... done THAT! And I don't do tricks with foil and duct tape, if you want tricks I suggest you go find a seal.

And as for squatter's rights...whats the matter? Afraid of losing something...or perhaps someone? A brunette someone?

Impersonating a cop huh? Oh yeah that's original considering there's only four cops IN Hazzard. *picks up phone and makes quick call to Rosco, informing him of Brian's plans.*

Oh just a quick question... Why do I NEED to be stopped Val? I didnt know it was illegal to settle in Hazzard.


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It's not illegal. But you sure are stirring up trouble in peoples minds! I have my eyes on you as well. Believe me, if you and Brian start something... I'll make sure MA and Daney are there to finish it!


PS Hilery and Essy, please don't egg people on to do bad things. Crime just doesn't pay. Go have fun by doing something good for the Community. Get involed in 4-H, helping the elderly, or help set up Hazzard's County fair.

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(A long haired woman walked up to the bulletin board. Through sunglasses, hazel eyes read all the postings. Her right hand came up and touched her silver necklace. The slender brunette sighed and contemplated what to do. Her left hand took the knife that was impaled in a paper. Daney started to use the knife's tip to scratch her own message but changed her mind after a glance around. She pocketed Brian's weapon and walked away toward the Busy Bee Cafe.)

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*leaves note on diablo: Speaking of eggs... I got about six dozen sitting in the front seat of Jumper If ya is interested in egging some buildings. If not, I am.

*posts this on board: when does a person give idea's like that without willing to lend a helping hand? Y"all should have remembered i'm a trouble maker to a degree, just on a way lesser scale than brian.

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Meanwhile, inside the Hazzard County courthouse....

Rosco hung up the phone and looked at his cousin. "Guess what?" he said.

"We just won the lottery?" MaryAnne asked.

"Depends on what kinda jackpot yer lookin' for." He stepped away from the booking desk. "Just got a phone call, somebody sayin' that Brian's lookin' to impersonate a police officer."

"Really?" MaryAnne crossed her arms and looked toward the window. "Ya reckon that has anything do with all the activity out at the bulletin board?"

"I'm reckonin'. Let's go take a look."

The two law officers stepped out of the courthouse and looked at the postings on the Hazzard bulletin board.

"Look at all the stab marks...jeez... Hey," MaryAnne said, pointing to one signed by "C". "That hand writin' look familar to ya?"

"Yep..." Rosco grinned. "I knew he was comin', khee..."

"Ya did?" MaryAnne smiled and Rosco met her gaze. After a moment, the two cousins giggled. "Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?" she said.

"Way ahead of ya."

"Khee! I knew it...." MaryAnne pulled out her ticket book and pen and scribbled the following message:

To the town of Hazzard -

Rosco and I see what y'all are up to and remind you that there is law in these parts and disobedience and criminal mischeif will not be tolerated. You have been warned.


She posted it up on the board.

"Think they'll take that seriously?" Rosco asked.

MaryAnne snorted. "Of course not. But if we don't post something they'll wonder what we're up to...heh heh...c'mon, we got work to do..."

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*Of course the Game Warden, a day late and a dollar short, comes running up to Rosco and MaryAnne with the crinkled bubble gum smeared note. She's catching her breath.*

"OH Crickets and Crocs! Thank God I found you two. Sheriff, MA, I think Brian is up to his old tricks. I found this on the bulletin board." The Game Warden replied handing them the sticky note.

"I'm sorry I took it off of the bulletin board but I was trying to discourage others from following Brian's examples. Unfortunately it didn't work. I'm sorry MA, Rosco." the Strate replied humbly.

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The Black 1967 Chevy Impala sat parked against the curb beside the bulletin board. An approaching shadow walked by the open driver side window, casually dropping something into it. The person made a hasty exit as the bundle of dynamite with a digital clock on it started counting down from 10...

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A brunette woman dressed reached into the open drivier's side window. There were 6 seconds left on the digital display as she pressed the package close to her and took off running around the back of the Courthouse.

The display reached zero and with it came a massive explosion -- plumes of thick black smoke climbed high into the sky, drifting over the top of the building...

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