The Return of Emily Hogg

[Jamanda]

(Pronunciation Guide: Everyone pronounces Emily's name like "Emma Lee")

Tonight on the Dukes: When an old nemesis of Daisy's shows up in town, it takes every man in Hazzard to prevent world war three from busting loose!

Bo, Luke, and Cooter are over at the garage, looking under the hood of the General.

Cooter: Yeah, I can have him done by tomorrow.

Bo: Yeee Haw!

Luke: For how much?

Cooter: Oh just $45.

Bo: Whew! We can afford that right Luke?

Luke: I think so. We might have to borrow a bit but...

Bo: HOT DANG!

Luke and Cooter look up as a red Mustang Convertible drives up and parks in front of the courthouse. A young woman steps out with long blond hair, sunglasses, and a tight pinstripe skirt and matching suit jacket.

Cooter: Would you look at the lines on that one...

Bo: And her car ain't bad either...

Luke: Uh fellas...Is that who I think it is?

The girl whisks off the sunglasses, glances over at them, gives a sly smile, and walks up the steps into the courthouse.

Cooter: It isn't...

Bo: It couldn't be...

Luke: It is.

Cooter: You reakon?

Luke: We'd better warn Daisy.

[Jamanda]

Balladeer: Friends and neighbors, it's been a while since I've seen something like that walking into Boss's office.

The lady walks into the office.

Boss: Well well well! If it isn't my favorite niece, Emily Hogg!

Emily: Hello Uncle Jefferson.

Boss: And still as onery. Rosco! Get in here.

Rosco: (coming in) Yes Boss...ooooh oh. Well don't you look purdy?

Emily: Howdy Sheriff.

Boss: Rosco, you remember my neice Emily don't ya?

Rosco: Doh! You mean dis pretty little thing here? Well shoot, you done grown up like a weed mmmmm...and in all the right places...

Boss: Rosco!

Rosco: Uh yeah?

Boss: My niece is here, because I"m considering giving her a job.

Rosco: Oooh. Well isn't that nice of you?

Enos: (coming in with a clipboard) Sheriff? You want to sign these now?

Rosco: Oh yeah, give me that.

Emily: Well hey Enos.

Enos: (jumps) Possum on a gumbush! Is that you Emily?

Emily: It sure is. My but don't you look good in that uniform.

Enos: (taking back the clipboard) I'm gonna go on patrol now Sheriff.

Enos scoots out of the room as Emily looks after him, licking her lips.

Boss: Emily, don't tell me you're still hung up on that boy.

Emily: He's the only one who plays hard to get...I love that.

Rosco: Oh shoot, he ain't playing. He's just ain't interested in anybody as he's too hung up on Daisy Duke.

Boss: ROSCO!

Emily: (frowning) Daisy Duke?

Boss grabs Rosco and ushers him out of the office as Emily stares out the window with fire in her eyes.

Emily: So Daisy's still around is she?

Boss: Rosco, don't ever EVER mention the name of Daisy Duke around Emily.

Rosco: But I thought...

Boss: No buts! Them girls have been feudin' since before they could talk. If they start at it again, I'm either gonna lose my niece as a business partner, or my star waitress.

Rosco: Business partner?

Boss: Never you mind. I need Emily here and the best way to keep her here is to keep the peace between her and Daisy Duke. Now shut your mouth.

Rosco: mmmmm...

[Jamanda]

Balladeer: Well that explains why she was meeting with Boss at the courthouse, instead of at the Boar's Nest like everyone else does.

Bo: Hey Daisy.

Daisy: Well hey Bo.

Luke: We gotta talk to you.

Daisy: Don't tell me ya'll are in trouble again.

Cooter: No they ain't...but you might.

Daisy: Me?

Bo: Guess who showed up back in town.

Daisy: Hughie or Dewey Hogg?

Luke: Nope.

Bo: Worse.

Daisy: But the only person worse than them is...

Daisy gasps as Emily strolls in.

Daisy: <mutters> Emily Hogg.

Emily: Well well, if it isn't Daisy Duke.

Daisy: Well Miss Hogg, what brings you back here? I thought you'd run off to Charlston.

Emily: I have business with my dear Uncle Jefferson. He's going to give me a job.

Daisy: Oh he is?

Bo: Uncle Jefferson?

Luke: She's the only one who can get away with it, 'cept maybe Lulu.

Emily: In the records office at the courthouse. Seeing as I now have my college degree.

Daisy bites her lip as Boss comes in through his office door.

Boss: Emily honey, you don't want to be seen in here with this rifraff. Come along now.

Emily: Bye Daisy honey. See you around.

Boss escorts Emily away just in time, as Daisy's about to throw a fit.

Daisy: Oooohh that girl! Flaunting around that college degree like she's better than everybody!

Bo: Easy Daisy.

Luke: You could've gone to college if you wanted to.

Daisy: I was needed here...even if I could afford it...

Cooter: Don't let her get to ya Daisy.

Daisy: <sighs> I'll try...but if she keeps that job Boss gives her and stays around...

Luke: Daisy, don't think like that.

Cooter: <nods towards door> Besides, I don't think you're the only one not liking her being back.

Daisy looks to see Enos coming in on lunch break. He seems a bit nervous himself.

Daisy: You saw her then.

Enos: <sighs> Yeah. She was at the courthouse.

Daisy: (pouring him a buttermilk) Don't tell me she still...

Enos: (taking a drink) She hasn't changed a bit Daisy...not one bit.

Daisy: If she so much as...

Enos: <frowning> Doesn't look like you have either.

Daisy looks at him and sees that he's deadly serious.

Enos: Now Daisy, I don't know how long she's here, but I want you to try to get along with her.

Daisy: But...

Enos: Ya'll ain't in high school anymore and ya'll need to quit this bickerin' all the time.

Daisy: (raising an eyebrow) Even when it's over you?

Enos: <frowning> Especially then.

Luke: I agree.

Bo: Yeah, it's not like you have to prove anything to him.

Enos: Now Daisy, promise me you won't try to cause trouble with Emily.

Daisy: But what if she...?

Enos: Daisy...

Daisy hadn't heard Enos use that firm of a voice before.

Daisy: Okay...but it won't be easy.

Enos: I didn't say it would be. I just don't want to see you get in trouble.

Enos finishes his buttermilk and heads out.

Daisy: <sighs> It's gonna be a long week.

[Jamanda]

Boss: So Emily, now that you have your degree, what do you think we should do about this lousy county budget?

Emily: <looking through papers> Hmmmm, Well Uncle Jefferson, seeing as I wouldn't want you to bail the county out with your own personal finances...

Boss: My kind of girl...

Emily: Looks like you need a fundraiser.

Boss: Oh I hate fundraisers. Always trying to get people to buy stuff.

Emily: Oh but you don't have to do hardly anything with what I have in mind...

Boss: I'm listening.

Emily: A public auction.

Boss: But what do we auction off?

Emily: <grinning> Something everybody in town wants...

Boss: And what's that?

Emily: A date with Bo or Luke Duke.

Boss sits back in this chair and stares at her. She has a michevious grin and a look in her eye.

Boss: A date with Bo and Luke Duke?

Emily: Uncle Jefferson, if my memory serves me correctly, every girl in Hazzard would give up her life savings for a date with either of those two.

Boss: Yes but...

Emily: Of course we won't just auction THEM off. We'll get every available man in Hazzard to participate, the girls will bid on them, we'll hold a fancy dance at $10 a head, and you...I mean the county...makes a bundle.

Boss: Hmmm...I'm beginning to like it...but what if the boys refuse to participate?

Emily: Oh but they have to...it's their civic duty.

Boss: I like that...civic duty...

Balladeer: I don't know about you, but I sure wish that girl was raising money for me.

[Jamanda]

Balladeer: Well, it wasn't long before everyone heard about the big auction and dance. Of course, all the young girls in Hazzard scrounged around and dug out their savings for a date with either Bo or Luke, while some of the older ladies were scraping together their life savings for a date with ol' Jesse. I reckon you almost forgot about him. Which left poor Daisy, who wasn't about to go with kin, and wasn't about to sit by if Emily was gonna do what she thought she was gonna do.

Daisy: Well shoot. I only got about forty bucks saved up.

Cooter: Hate to say it Daisy but...

Daisy: I'll be outbid for sure.

Cooter: Well, if Emily takes Enos, you can bid on someone else.

Daisy: But...

Cooter: Enos said he didn't want you startin' trouble. Now put that money away, he's comin'.

Daisy puts her money back as Cooter goes to sit at a table.

Daisy: Hey Enos.

Enos: Hey Daisy.

Daisy: Enos...I uh...

Enos: Don't worry about it Daisy.

Enos puts his hand on hers and she looks in his eyes.

Enos: Daisy, I know there isn't any way you can outbid Emily.

Daisy: I'm gonna bid as high as I can anyway.

Enos: Well, I can't stop you from doing that, but I don't want you to make a fuss if she wins.

Daisy: <sighs> I'll try not to, but I ain't gonna like seeing you with her.

Enos: <raises an eyebrow> Then again, maybe it's time you did see me with someone else.

Daisy gasps.

Enos: I hate to say it Daisy, but it's time you knew what it felt like.

Enos leaves and Daisy groans.

Balladeer: I don't know about ya'll, but I didn't see that comin'.

[Jamanda]

Balladeer: Well, everyone gathered around in the Boar's Nest for the big auction. Boss decided to auction off the most popular fellas first, so the unlucky girls would have a chance later to spend all that money they brought.

Boss: So now, for our first uh...um...

Bessie Lou: HUNK!

Boss: The first young volunteer to step up is no other than our very own...Bo Duke!

Bo: I still don't see why Luke couldn't go first.

Boss: Cuz you lost the coin toss. All right, what am I bid for an evening with this young man?

The bids fly, and much to Bo's dismay.

Boss: SOLD! To Cousin Alice!

Bo: Oh man!

Alice: Come on down here Bo! You wanna wrassle?

Bo: Uh, let's see what lucky lady gets Luke first shall we?

Alice: Oh okay.

Luke gets taken by Bessie Lou, who would have preferred Bo, but had a nickel less than Cousin Alice did.

Luke: Hi there.

Bessie Lou: <looking over at Bo> Oh hi.

Luke shrugs and laughs as Uncle Jesse is brought out.

Jesse: JD I still don't know why I let you talk me into this!

Boss: It's for the good of the county Jesse.

Jesse: Yeah yeah.

After a long, laboursome bidding match, Jesse is finally bought by Miz Teasdale.

Jesse: Well hey there Emma.

Miz Teasdale: <blushing> Hey Jesse.

Boss: Alright alright. Now for our very own, Deputy Enos Strate.

Emily and Daisy are both ready with their bids. Daisy quickly runs out of money, but someone else also keeps bidding against Emily.

Boss: SOLD! To Miss uh...

Girl: Haskins. Sally Jean Haskins.

Boss: Well Sally Jean, here you go.

Everyone stares as Enos, also in a state of surprise, walks off the stage next to the girl. No one had ever seen her before.

Daisy: Who is that?

Emily: I don't know.

In a state of confusion, Emily accidentally bids on Cooter.

Cooter: Well hey there Emily!

Emily: This isn't supposed to happen!

Cooter: Oh it must be destiny Emily!

Emily: Ack!

Daisy waits and bids on Cletus, who shrugs and goes along with it.

Daisy: Who is that?

Cletus: Search me. I don't know nothin'.

Boss: And now, for a very special bonus, Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane!

Rosco: But Boss! You told me I didn't have to!

Boss: I changed my mind. There's still some single ladies out there. Get up here you dodo!

Rosco: Dooooh! But Boss...

Rose Ellen from the bank (who had bribed Boss into putting Rosco up) wins the bid.

Rosco: Rose Ellen, you little rascal you.

Rose Ellen: Well I couldn't let all them young girls have all the fun could I?

Balladeer: Well, this sure ain't how I thought it was gonna turn out.

[Jamanda]

Balladeer: Now the big dance was set for the next evening, which gave everyone one day to get ready, and one day to wonder who that pretty girl is that bid on ol' Enos.

Bo: I ain't ever seen her before.

Luke: Me either.

Daisy: (pouring drinks) Well you let me know if you find out anything. I'm wondering if Emily put her up to it.

Bo: I doubt it. Emily was just as shocked as you were.

Luke: But think about it Daisy. What's better? Enos with Emily or with a complete stranger.

Daisy: I dunno. I'm thinking I'd rather him be with someone I know he doesn't like.

Bo: Oh Daisy, you know he's only got eyes for you.

Daisy: Yeah I know.

Just then, Emily storms in, madder than a coup of wet hens.

Emily: All right Daisy Duke, what are trying to pull? You get some rich friend of yours to bid for you?

Daisy: Why Emily Hogg. You know I ain't got no rich friends. Just a very popular boyfriend.

Luke: More popular than we figured.

Emily: Well don't think you'll get away with this Daisy Duke. By the end of the dance tonight, he's gonna be eating out of my hand.

Daisy: I seriously doubt that Emily.

Emily turns heel and storms out.

Daisy: Where is Enos anyway?

[Jamanda]

Cletus and Daisy walk into the dance. Daisy looks around for Enos and sees him in the corner talking to that pretty girl, but he has his back to her.

Daisy: Should I be worried Cletus?

Cletus: You kiddin'? Enos ain't had eyes for nobody but you since he found out the difference between boys and girls.

Daisy: I know. But I still don't like it.

Bo is rubbing his feet, as Cousin Alice is better at wrestling than dancing, and Luke is trying to keep Bessie Lou's attention, as she keeps looking at Bo. Cooter walks in, wearing his suit and way too much cologne, nearly dragging Emily with him.

Emily is wearing a tight low-cut short dress of pale pink with a matching cardigan sweater over it. Daisy frowns, as all she had was her pale violet sun dress to wear. Then she looks over to the girl with Enos, who's wearing a nice yellow sun dress.

Cooter: Hey there Cletus.

Cletus: Well hey Cooter. How you and Emily doing?

Cooter: Oh just fine, ain't we Emily?

Emily: I had to ride here in a tow truck!

Cooter: Well excuuuuuse me for being a mechanic.

Emily: You have plenty of other cars.

Cooter: But see, none of them run yet and I didn't work today so I could get all spiffied up to go out with you Miss High and Mighty. And now, we're gonna dance!

Cooter drags Emily out on the dance floor and Daisy can't help but laugh.

Cletus: See Daisy. It's not so bad.

Daisy: I guess. I still wish I knew who that is with Enos.

Cletus: Well, maybe he'll introduce ya.

But as soon as they try to move that way, Enos takes his partner out on the dance floor. Daisy and Cletus also dance, with Daisy glaring over at the other couple the whole time. The girl snuggles up to Enos and rests her head on his chest.

Balladeer: Now the dance was held over at the senior center, but most of the young folks went over to the Boar's Nest afterwards for a few drinks.

Bo: Well Cousin Alice, that was fun right?

Alice: Oh it sure was Bo.

Bessie Lou: (staring at Bo) We had fun too.

Luke: Uh...yeah.

Enos comes in and pulls up a chair.

Luke: Hey Enos. Where's your date?

Enos: Oh she had to go. From out of town you know.

Luke: So uh...how was it?

Enos: Oh just fine.

Luke gets the feeling Enos is hiding something when Cooter and Cletus run in.

Cooter: It's done started.

Bo: What has?

Cletus: World war three!

Everyone turns as Emily and Daisy come in, yelling and screeming at each other.

Emily: This is all your fault Daisy Duke!

Daisy: It was your dang idea to begin with Emily!

Emily: And you messed the whole thing up!

Daisy: I messed it up? You're the one who bust in here trying to steal my boyfriend!

Emily: He's supposed to be mine!

Daisy: IS NOT!

Emily: IS TOO!

Daisy: Well at least I didn't have to go get a fancy degree to prove myself!

Emily: That's cuz you're too dumb to leave this podunk town.

Daisy: Oh yeah!

With that, the girls each grabbed a mug of beer and splashed each other. Then, in a fit about clothes now, they lunged at each other.

Boss: (bursting in from his office) What in tarnation is going on here?

Enos: (calmly sipping his buttermilk) World War Three.

Boss: Well are you gonna do something about it?

Enos: In a minute...let me finish my drink.

Balladeer: In case you're wondering where ol' Rosco is, well he's out in the woods somewhere with Rose Ellen from the bank.

Enos: (putting drink down) Okay...I think they've had enough.

The girls are tired out by now and it's fairly easy for Boss and Enos to pull them apart.

Boss: Enos. Arrest 'em.

Enos: (pulling Daisy along) I have a better idea.

Daisy: What? What are you doing?

Enos: (sitting down) Something I should've done a LONG time ago.

Enos pulls Daisy over his lap as Uncle Jesse steps up.

Jesse: (handing Enos a paddle) Here.

Enos: (taking it) Thanks.

Daisy: You wouldn't!

Jesse: If he doesn't, I will.

Enos: Not this time Uncle Jesse.

Everyone laughs as Enos gives Daisy a paddling she won't ever forget.

Boss: Let me see that when you're done.

Enos: Sure thing Boss.

Emily: You wouldn't dare!

Boss: Spare the rod, spoil the child. Something them fool parents of yours never learned. Give me that.

Enos lets Daisy get up as Boss takes the paddle. Boss may be short and fat, but he's strong enough to pull his neice over his knee. Everyone laughs double at Emily hollering, but Daisy just hides in the corner.

Balladeer: Well shucks, I never saw a show like that after any dances I went to.

[Jamanda]

Balladeer: Well, it was no one's surprise that Emily left on the first bus out of town the next morning. But it was certainly a surprise to her when Daisy came to see her off.

Emily: What do you want?

Daisy: Oh I just came to thank you.

Emily: For what?

Daisy: For showing me what a fool I'd been.

Emily: Oh I didn't need to come here to show you that. I think he would've done it without me.

Daisy: (rubbing her rear) Yeah, you're right.

Emily: You're still sore too huh?

Daisy: I don't know how you plan to sit on that bus all the way to Charlston.

Emily: I don't. I'm gonna stand in the back.

Daisy: Won't you get tired?

Emily: Sure, but that's better than what I'll get from Uncle Boss if I stay around here.

Daisy: He ain't lettin' you stay?

Emily: Oh, he said I could if I wanted to, but after seeing what kind of discipline he uses, I think I'm going home.

Both girls laugh and Emily gets on the bus.

Balladeer: Notice how she don't call ol' Boss Uncle Jefferson no more? I wouldn't either.

Daisy then gets in her Jeep to go to work. She has trouble looking up when Enos comes in with the lunch crowd.

Daisy: (handing him a buttermilk) Here you go Enos.

Enos: Thanks.

Daisy: You still mad?

Enos: <grins> No, I think you've suffered enough.

He puts the drink aside, pulls her to him and kisses her forehead.

Daisy: Can I ask you something?

Enos: Sure.

Daisy: Who was that girl? Just out of curiosity.

Enos: Oh that was Sally Jean Haskins. She's a cousin of mine from Texas.

Daisy: Your cousin?

Enos: I told you that you needed to know what it felt like.

Daisy: But Emily...

Enos: Oh I wasn't about to let Cooter miss out on his fun either. You know he paid Boss off so she's bid on him?

Daisy: Well I'll be.

Enos: But you still didn't like me with another girl did ya?

Daisy: Oh Enos. If I live to be a hundred, I ain't ever gonna be unfaithful to you again.

Enos: Now Daisy, don't go making promises you can't keep.

Daisy: Oh I aim to keep it...if you'll help me anyway.

Enos: Now that's my girl.

As Enos and Daisy hold each other, the Dukes and Cooter watch from another table.

Luke: Well I'll be.

Bo: I think he did it.

Jesse: Well, it was about time.

Cooter: Where'd he get that idea to spank 'er though?

Jesse: Oh I mentioned it to him. I saw it in an old John Wayne movie and if it works for The Duke, it's bound to work ON a Duke. **

They all laugh.

Balladeer: So that's the legend of how Emily Hogg returned to Hazzard and got what was coming to her, as did Daisy. You know, I think I saw that movie ol' Jesse's talking about. Wonder if that method would work for me?

** McClintock - starring John Wayne and Maureen O'Hara