Dukes/West Side Story Crossover

[Jamanda]

Okay, here we are again with the musicals. Go Tom Wopat!

WHEN YOU'RE A JET

Bo and Luke are goofing around on the farm after losing Rosco, who was chasing them for going through a phoney speed trap.

Luke

When you're a Duke,

You're a Duke all the way

There’s a system to fight

You’ve got something to say!

Bo

When you're a Duke,

If the spit hits the fan,

You got cousins around,

You're a family man!

Both

You're never alone,

You're never disconnected!

You're home with your own:

When Rosco is expected,

You're well protected!

Jesse <coming out of the barn>

When you’re a Duke

You’re a Duke through and through

Be your name Bo or Luke

YOU STILL GOT CHORES TO DO!

Bo and Luke: Yes Uncle Jesse.

Meanwhile, Boss is lecturing Cletus about his heritage.

Boss

When you’re a Hogg

You’ve got money to make

You can pass off a bog

For a blue shiny lake

When you're a Hogg

You're the top man in town

You're the gold medal man

With the heavyweight crown!

Rosco comes in grumpy after having lost the Duke boys again.

Rosco: He ain’t kiddin’ about heavy.

Boss: ROSCO! Don’t interrupt.

Boss

You don’t have to pay

Anybody you don’t want to

Just swindle your way

And turn around until you

Get them to pay you!

Boss: Now get out there and find something…ANYTHING…to get those Duke boys for.

Cletus: Yes cousin Boss.

Boss goes off to the Boar's Nest just as Enos comes in.

Cletus: But Bo and Luke ain’t done nothin’.

Enos: We ain’t gonna frame them again are we Sheriff?

Rosco: Oh don’t you two dipsticks know anything?

Rosco

When you're a cop

You're the pillar in town

You’ve got crooks to arrest

And Dukes to bring down

When you’re a cop

You’ve got orders to take

Cuz you took the oath

And you have to obey.

All Three

The force is in gear,

Our cars are up and rollin’!

The Dukes’ll stay clear

'Cause they know we’re patrollin’

We’ll cuff ‘em and hold ‘em!

Here come the cops

With our badges and guns

Someone gets in our way,

They know they oughta run!

Here come the cops

All you Dukes step aside!

Better go underground,

Better run, better hide!

We're drawin' the line,

So keep your noses hidden!

We're hangin' a sign,

Says "All you Dukes forbidden"

And we ain't kiddin'!

Here come the cops

And we’re gonna chase

Ev'ry last buggin' Duke

To a cell up the state.

Right up

to

prison

up

state!

Yeah!

[Jamanda]

AMERICA

Enos: I don’t know Sheriff. I don’t like it when we’re always framing the Duke boys.

Rosco: Now Enos. Don’t you start threatnin’ me again.

Cletus: With what?

Rosco: With going back to Californy, that’s what.

Enos: It was a lot better there…

Rosco: Oh, there he goes again.

Enos

Hazzard County

My own hometown

Sure bogs a lawman down

Always the Boss bellowing,

Never my paycheck growing,

Always money owing.

And the sunlight streaming,

And the locals steaming.

I like the state California,

Cletus

But what’s so bad about Georgia?

Enos

I want to go back to Los Angeles

Plenty to do in Los Angeles

Respect from you in Los Angeles –

Rosco

They hire dipsticks in Los Angeles?

Enos

Plenty of beaches to lie on

Cletus

What’s wrong with swimming in Hazzard pond?

Enos

There I get my own patrol car

Rosco

The way you drive, it won’t get far.

Enos

Skyscrapers bloom in Los Angeles.

Cadillacs zoom in Los Angeles.

Plenty of room in Los Angeles.

Rosco

Crime is in boom in Los Angeles

Enos

Many more people in one space.

Cletus

They’ll rob you blindly with that face.

Enos

I’ll get a terrace apartment.

Rosco

Better get rid of your accent.

Enos

Life was so bright in Los Angeles

Cletus

You said there were fights in Los Angeles

Enos

I should go back to Los Angeles

Rosco

If they let you back in Los Angeles

[Jamanda]

<Okay, we know the romantic songs from this musical are cheesy, but we had to include them to make it all work. Bear with us here.>

COULD BE

Later that day, Enos and Cletus are sitting at a speed trap.

Cletus: You ain’t really gonna go back are ya?

Enos: Maybe I should. After that wedding and all…

Cletus: Oh come on. Those hives were a copout and you know it!

Enos: Yeah, they were. But she was marrying me for the wrong reasons.

Cletus: That doesn’t mean she don’t want to for the right ones.

Enos: I dunno Cletus. I got a funny feeling about somethin’.

Cletus: Like what?

Enos: I dunno. I have a feelin’ somethings gonna happen.

Cletus: Oh you never know anything.

Enos

Could be!

Who knows?

There’s something’ due any day;

I will know right away

Soon as it shows.

It may come cannonballin’

Down through the sky,

Gleam in its eye,

Bright as a rose!

Who knows?

Cletus: You certainly don’t. You’re a dipstick.

Enos

It’s only just out of reach,

Down the block, on a beach,

Under a tree.

I got a feelin’ there’s a miracle due,

Gonna come true,

Comin’ to me!

Cletus: Only thing comin’ to you is another lecture for not bringin’ in enough traffic tickets.

Enos

Could it be? Yes, it could.

Something’s coming, something’ good,

If I can wait!

Something’s comin’, I don’t know what it is

But it is

Gonna be great!

With a click, with a shock,

Phone’ll jingle, door’ll knock

Open the latch!

Something’s comin’, don’t know when,

But it’s soon--

Catch the moon,

One-handed catch!

Around the corner,

Or whistling’ down the river,

Come on -- deliver

To me!

Will it be? Yes, it will.

Maybe just by holdin’ still

It’ll be there!

Come on, something’, come on in,

Don’t be shy,

Meet a guy,

Pull up a chair!

The air is hummin’,

And something’ great is comin’!

Who knows?

It’s only just out of reach,

Down the block, on a beach.

Maybe tonight.

Cletus: Beach? There ain’t no beach around here…

[Jamanda]

MARIA

Later on break, Cletus and Enos go into the Boars Nest just as Bo and Luke are leaving.

Cletus: Should we go after them you think?

Enos: We’re on break. Let the Sheriff do it. That way we ain’t gotta do nothin’ dishonest.

Cletus: Uh oh. Some ugly dude noticed they left too and is going after Daisy.

Enos: WHAT!?

Ugly Dude: Hey baby. Now that yer meddlin’ cousins ain’t around…

Daisy: Get your hands off of me!

Ugly Dude: Soon as I get a kiss.

Daisy: LET GO!

Cletus: Um…Is he bothering you Daisy?

Ugly Dude: Oh shove off Chubby…I’m busy.

Cletus: Hey!

Enos: Cletus, people like this only know one language.

Cletus: What’s that?

POW! Enos flattens the guy.

Enos: A right hook.

Cletus: Shall I take him in for harassment while you uh…make sure the victim is okay?

Enos: Yeah…do that.

Cletus: Come on fella…you don’t know how lucky you are…calling me chubby is one thing, but messing with his girl? Not smart fella, not smart.

They leave as Enos checks on Daisy, who’s a bit shaken.

Enos: Are you all right Daisy.

Daisy: I…I think so. I am now Enos.

Daisy looks up at him and suddenly sees him in a whole new light.

Daisy: You…you ain’t ever done that before.

Enos: <shrugs> I never had to. They were always dumb enough to do that in front of Bo or Luke before.

Daisy: This time they were dumb enough to do it in front of you.

Enos blushes and Daisy kisses his cheek.

Daisy: Thanks Enos.

Enos: Shucks Daisy. I better go help Cletus now.

Daisy is dumbfounded. She goes on break and wanders out into the parking lot.

Daisy

Enos . . .

(sings)

The most wonderful man I ever met:

Enos, oh Enos, oh Enos, oh Enos

All the time I've known him in a moment...

Enos, oh Enos, oh Enos, oh Enos

Enos!

I've just kissed a man that’s named Enos,

And now I know that name

Will never be the same

To me.

Enos!

I now love a man who’s named Enos,

I know now I have again

The most wonderful of men

Is he!

Enos!

To some he may just be a deputy

But now I know how much he means to me

Enos!

I'll never stop thinking of Enos!

The most wonderful man I ever met.

Enos.

[Jamanda]

COOL

Meanwhile, Bo and Luke are being chased again by Rosco. They manage to lose him by making him go into the pond, but not before he CB’s Cletus and Enos to hunt them down.

Bo: Boy, he makes me so mad! I’d like to pound some sense into him!

Luke: Now take it easy Bo. We’ll just act cool and pretend we didn’t know nothin’ about it.

Bo: How am I supposed to take it easy?

Luke

Bo, Bo, crazy Bo--

Get cool, Bo!

Got a rocket, in your pocket--

Keep coolly cool, Bo!

Don’t get hot,

‘Cause man, you got

Some high times ahead.

Take it slow and, Buddy-Row,

You can live it up and die in bed!

Bo: But he’s framing us again!

Luke

Bo, Bo, crazy Bo--

Stay loose, Bo!

Breeze it, buzz it, easy does it --

Turn off the juice, Bo!

Go man, go,

But not like a yo-yo true Bo--

Just play it cool, Bo

Real cool!

Bo: Maybe you’re right.

Luke: At least play it cool until we find out what they’re up to this time.

[Jamanda]

TONIGHT

Meanwhile, Daisy gets off work and heads home, but Enos pulls in behind her.

Enos: <over CB> Daisy? Would you pull over please? I gotta talk to you.

Daisy: Okay Enos.

She pulls over and Enos goes over to her.

Daisy: Where’s Cletus?

Enos: He’s watching that guy we pulled off you this afternoon.

Daisy: <touches his cheek and grins> You mean the one YOU punched out.

Enos: Aw shucks…Cletus roughed him up a bit too. He didn’t like being called “chubbyâ€.

Daisy: Is that all you wanted to tell me?

Enos: Well no. The Sheriff’s wants to arrest Bo and Luke for going through that speed trap of his this morning, and Boss ain’t gonna rest until we bring them in.

Daisy: Oh dear. Thanks for the warning Enos.

Enos: Oh and Daisy?

Daisy: Yeah?

Enos: I uh…I’m awful glad we were able to get that fella off of you. I’d hate to think of anything that might happen to you.

Daisy: Oh Enos. You know something?

Enos: What?

Daisy: I’m glad you were there. I think it made me realize something.

Enos: It did?

Daisy: Yeah. I realized how lucky I am to have you around.

Enos: Shucks Daisy.

Daisy: Enos…Do you still want to get married?

Enos: What?

Daisy: Now Enos…I know those hives were just a copout…and I can’t say I blame you. I was marrying you for the wrong reasons.

Enos: You’re right…about the hives…I mean…

Daisy: Enos, I know you love me. I guess it just wasn’t until you clobbered that guy that I realized that I love you too.

Enos: Do you…do you really?

Daisy: Yeah…and if it were possible…I’d marry you right now.

Daisy puts her hands in his and looks in his eyes. This time, he knows she means it.

Daisy (Sings)

Make of our hands one hand,

Make of our hearts one heart,

Make of our vows one last vow:

Only death will part us now.

Enos

Make of our lives one life,

Day after day, one life.

BOTH

Now it begins, now we start

One hand, one heart;

Even death won't part us now.

Make of our lives one life,

Day after day, one life.

Now it begins, now we start

One hand, one heart,

Even death won't part us now.

Daisy

Only you, you’re the only thing I’ll see forever,

In my eyes, in my words and in everything I do,

Nothing else but you

Ever!

Enos

And there’s nothing for me but Daisy,

every sight that I see is Daisy.

Daisy

Enos…Enos…

Enos

Always you, every thought I’ll ever know,

Everywhere I go, you’ll be.

Daisy

All the world is only you and me!

Enos

Today, today

It all began today

I saw you and the world went away.

Daisy

Today, today

There’s only you today

What you are, what you do, what you say.

Enos

Today, all day I had the feeling

A miracle would happen --

I know now I was right.

BOTH

For here you are

And all along it wasn’t very hard

Today!

Rosco (over CB): Enos you dipstick! You got your ears on boy, come on?

Enos: I better answer that.

Daisy: Yes, yes. Hurry. Wait! When will I see you?

Enos: I’ll come to the Boar’s Nest later tonight. Will you be there?

Daisy: Yeah, I’m closing. Come in the back door.

BOTH SING

Tonight, tonight

Before then when you dream

Dream of me

Tonight.

Daisy kisses Enos and then takes off for the farm. Enos is stunned again for a bit, but then hears Rosco squawking again.

[Jamanda]

I FEEL PRETTY

Daisy gets back to the farm and does some laundry, but she can’t help but feel giddy. Bo and Luke come in to her singing.

Daisy

I feel pretty,

Oh, so pretty,

I feel pretty, and witty and gay,

And I pity

Any girl who isn’t me today.

I feel charming,

Oh, so charming--

It’s alarming how charming I feel,

And so pretty

That I hardly can believe I’m real.

See the pretty girl in that mirror there:

Who can that attractive girl be?

Such a pretty face,

Such a pretty dress,

Such a pretty smile,

Such a pretty me!

I feel stunning

And entrancing--

Feel like running and dancing for joy,

For I’m loved

By a pretty wonderful boy!

Bo to Luke

Have you met my sweet cousin Daisy

The craziest girl on the block?

You’ll know her the minute you see her--

She’s the one who is in an advanced

State of shock.

Luke to Bo

She thinks she’s in love.

She thinks she’s in Spain.

She isn’t in love,

She’s merely insane.

Bo to Luke

It must be the heat

Or some rare disease

Or too much to eat,

Or maybe it’s fleas.

Luke to Bo

Keep away from her --

Don’t you think Bo?

This is not the Daisy

We know!

Both

Modest and pure,

Polite and refined,

Well-bred and mature

And out of her mind!

Daisy

I feel pretty,

Oh, so pretty

That the city should give me its key.

A committee

Should be organized to honor me.

Luke: <sarcastic> Oh, she’s not modest at all.

I feel dizzy

I feel sunny,

I feel fizzy and funny and fine,

And so pretty,

Miss America can just resign!

See the pretty girl in that mirror there:

Bo

What mirror where?

Daisy

Who can that attractive girl be?

Luke

Which? What? Where? Whom?

Daisy

Such a pretty face,

Such a pretty dress,

Such a pretty smile,

Such a pretty me!

I feel stunning

And entrancing--

Feel like running and dancing for joy,

For I’m loved

By a pretty wonderful boy!

[Jamanda]

A BOY LIKE THAT

Daisy turns around and sees Bo and Luke.

Bo: You mind telling us what that is all about?

Daisy: Nothing. Just that I figured out that Enos really loves me is all.

Luke: Well shoot, everyone knows that.

Daisy: And I finally know for sure that I love him back.

Bo: You do?

Luke: Are you sure?

Luke

A man like that arrests your cousins

He’s only one out of a dozen

Find one of your own kind,

Stick to your own kind!

Bo

Last time you tried, he gave you sorrow,

You'll meet another guy tomorrow,

One of your own kind,

Stick to your own kind!

Luke

He’s got few brains, but has your love?

How can you tell it’s gonna work?

Is this the guy to get your love

And get your heart?

Very smart, Daisy, very smart!

Bo

You know most guys want one thing only,

And when they’re done, they leave you lonely.

He'll let you down again;

It just can’t be.

Just wait and see,

Just wait, Daisy,

Just wait and see!

Daisy

Oh no, Luke no,

Oh, no Bo.

It isn't true, not this time

It was before, but not again

I hear your words

And in my head

I know they're smart,

But my heart, Bo

But my heart Luke

Knows they're wrong

And my heart

Is too strong,

For I belong

To him alone, to him alone.

One thing I know:

I am his,

I don't care what he is.

I don't know why it's so,

I don't want to know.

You don’t know better!

You aren’t in love – you’ve never said

Do you know better? . . .

I have a love, and it's all that I have.

Right or wrong, what else can I do?

I love him; I'm his,

And everything he is

I am, too.

I have a love, and it's all that I need,

Right or wrong, and he needs me, too.

I love him, we're one;

There's nothing to be done,

Not a thing I can do

But hold him, hold him forever,

Be with him now, tomorrow

And all of my life!

Uncle Jesse overhears this and comes in.

Jesse

When love comes however strong,

There IS still right and wrong,

Even if your love is your life.

Daisy: Oh I know Uncle Jesse. It’s just that…

Uncle Jesse: It’s Enos again isn’t it?

Daisy nods.

Uncle Jesse: Well…if you’re sure you’re ready.

Daisy: I think I am.

Uncle Jesse: Then you have my blessing.

Luke: And mine.

Bo: <sighs> Yeah, mine too.

Jesse: So uh…is he up in the woods spying on the house because of you? Or are those his orders for the day?

Daisy: Oh, Enos just tipped me off that the Sheriff ain’t gonna rest until he arrests you two for running that speed trap this morning.

Luke: Oh, is that all?

Bo: Well shoot, now what?

Luke: He’s probably waiting for us to leave so he can tell Rosco where we’re going.

Bo: But we still gotta get that crankshaft.

Daisy: Well let me go distract him so ya’ll can get to Cooter’s.

[Jamanda]

A PLACE FOR US

Daisy goes over to where Enos is in the woods trying, but not very hard, to hide.

Daisy: Is this what Rosco wanted you for?

Enos: I’m afraid so Daisy. I’m supposed to follow Bo and Luke if they leave.

Daisy: Oh Enos, how are we ever going to get married if you’re chasing my cousins all the time?

Enos: Well, let’s not worry about that right now.

Enos

There’s a place for us,

Somewhere a place for us,

Peace and quiet and open air

Wait for us

Somewhere.

Daisy

There’s a time for us,

Someday a time for us,

Time together with time to spare,

Time to learn, time to care

Someday!

Enos

Somewhere

We’ll find a new way of living

Daisy

We’ll find a way of forgiving

Somewhere.

Enos and Daisy

There’s a place for us,

A time a place for us.

Hold my hand and we’re halfway there.

Hold my hand and I’ll take you there

Somehow,

Someday,

Somewhere!

[Jamanda]

<This was the most fun part to do! It had Rosco written all over it!>

OFFICER KRUPKE

Enos notices Bo and Luke have taken off, but decides to ignore them. Bo and Luke make it to Cooter’s and buy the crankshaft, but Rosco spots them there.

Rosco: Hey, you!

Cooter: Me, Officer Rosco?

Rosco: Not you, them! Gimme one good reason for not draggin’ ya down to the stationhouse, you Dukes!

Luke (sings)

Dear kindly Sheriff Rosco,

Ya gotta understand--

It’s you accusing me and Bo

That gets us out of hand

And if you didn’t frame us

There’d be trouble anyway

Golly Moses – You do this every day

Bo

Gee, Officer Rosco, we’re very upset;

As Hazzard County citizens we get no respect.

We ain’t no delinquents,

We’re misunderstood.

Deep down inside us there is good!

Luke

There is good!

Both

There is good, there is good,

There is untapped good.

Like inside, the worse of us is good.

Rosco

That’s a touchin’ good story.

Luke

Lemme tell it to the world!

Rosco

Just tell it to the Judge.

Cooter follows as Rosco takes Bo and Luke to the courthouse where Boss Hogg is waiting.

Bo

Oh, dear Boss Hogg your Honor

The sheriff treats us rough.

He chases us all over town,

You’d think he’d had enough.

We didn’t want the ticket,

But somehow it was had.

Leapin’ lizards –Don’t you think it’s bad?!

Boss

No!

Officer Rosco, you’re really are dumb;

Why do I have a sheriff

If his brain has gone numb?

You brought me the Duke boys

Now throw them in jail.

Until their Uncle Jesse posts their bail

Bo

Posts our bail!

Bo and Luke

We’re in jail, we’re in jail

It’s the same old tale

Until Uncle Jesse posts our bail!

Boss: Hear ye, Hear ye! In the opinion of this court, these boys are to be locked up

and bail is set at $500.

Bo: $500!

Luke: The mortgage is due today! That’s what you’re up to!

Uncle Jesse bursts in.

Jesse: What’s going on here? I go over to the bank to pay the mortgage and find the two of you in here again!?

Luke

Another Hazzard speed trap

Got us into this mess

The sign was rigged and we’re both broke

And you can guess the rest

If Rosco hadn’t set us up

We wouldn’t be in here

Goodness Gracious!

Bo

I think I need a beer.

Cooter

Officer Rosco, they shouldn’t be here.

And you should be more useful in your

Chosen carrer

Between you and Boss, it’s a terrible trick,

Between the two of you I might get sick!

Luke

We are sick!

Bo and Luke

We are sick, we are sick,

We are sick sick sick

Just like our buddy Cooter, we are sick!

Boss: In my opinion, you boys don’t need to be in here at all. This is all a misunderstanding.

Bo: Hey, Thanks Boss.

Boss: But you still need to pay bail and forfeit your farm.

Bo

They only want your money

They mean to do us harm

If we don’t pay the mortgage

Then Boss will get the farm

We’ll have to move to Hatchapee

Never to return.

Gloryosky, Boss is such a worm.

Jesse

GAH!

J.D. and Rosco, you’ve done it again

But you won’t send my boys to spend two years in the pen.

It ain’t just a question of misunderstood;

I know when you’re up to no good!

Bo

It’s no good!

Bo and Luke

It’s no good, it’s no good,

It’s no earthly good,

We know when they’re up to no good!

With that, Bo and Luke use the old ruse of pushing each other around.

Luke

The trouble is you’re lazy.

Bo

The trouble is you drink

Luke

The trouble is you’re crazy.

Bo

The trouble is you stink.

Luke

The trouble is you owe me

Bo

I just paid back that loan!

They then turn and push Rosco onto Boss.

Both

Rosco, we got troubles of our own!

Cooter handcuffs Boss and Rosco together without them seeing it.

Bo and Luke

Gee, Officer Rosco,

It’s really unfair

Our fate is with a sheriff

And a man with no hair

Gee, Officer Rosco

What are we to do?

So Boss, here’s a Rosco

For you!

They push Rosco into Boss while they all rush out.

Boss: Rosco! Get off of me!

Rosco: I’m tryin’

Boss: Call Enos and Cletus. Get them after those Dukes!

Rosco: But Boss, Cletus is taking that prisoner he brought in today to Chickasaw. Seems Sheriff Little had an outstanding warrant for him.

Boss: Than call Enos!

Rosco: But I just told him over the CB that I had caught the Dukes and he asked for the rest of the day off.

Boss: Oh and I suppose you gave it to him?

Rosco: Well he said he needed to pack. His vacation starts tomorrow.

Boss: Why me?

[Jamanda]

FINALE

At closing time, Enos slips in the back door of the Boar’s Nest. Daisy runs up to him and kisses him.

Daisy: Is everything ready?

Enos: Yep. I got your jeep all loaded up for ya. Boss let you have a few days off?

Daisy: I worked it out with some of the girls so my shifts are covered.

Enos: And everyone is okay with it?

Daisy: Uncle Jesse got the mortgage paid, Bo and Luke avoided that traffic violation, and all of them finally agreed that you’re the only man right for me.

Enos: I’m glad of that.

They take off in the jeep singing.

Daisy

Hold my hand and we’re halfway there…

Enos

Hold my hand and I’ll take you there,

Right now

Daisy

Tonight…

Enos: Um, you might not want to hold my hand while I’m driving though. We’re not quite halfway to Chickamahonny yet.

Daisy: Oh Enos!

<This has been Jamanda's random poetry corner. We now return you to your regular Dukes programming.>