The Dukes of Hazzard

“Hurricane Fundraiser, Hazzard Style”

By Justin Gausman

ACT 1

(Titles. A brown jeep drives into Hazzard County. Inside are two people, Mr. Joe Hellwung and his fiancee Ms. Paulina Tigbits. Paulina fumbles with a map.)

PAULINA

Do you have any idea where we are?

JOE

We can't be too far from civilization...(points to road sign) see? Now entering Hazzard County, Georgia. 3 miles to Hazzard.

PAULINA

Are you sure? I don't think it's on the map.

JOE

We'll get some directions (laughs evilly) Maybe it's better that way. If we leave the jeep here they'll never trace it.

PAULINA

Yeah....hey, there we go! Boar's Nest, fundraiser for Hurricane Katrina victims. Sounds like a winner.

JOE

Not a lot of people here.....Must be over.....

PAULINA

Perfect. Time to show off my skills. (both laugh. Cut to int. Boar's Nest. Daisy Duke is counting up all the money made. The phone rings.She sets down the money and gets up to pick up the phone.)

DAISY

Oh, hi Uncle Jesse! Yeah, I'm just finishing up. I'll be home soon. There's a lot of money here. Yeah, I think every bit helps. Okay. Tell Bo and Luke I need a ride, okay? Thanks, Uncle Jesse. Yep. Love you! (as this happens, Paulina and Joe poke their head in the door quietly.)

JOE

Go! Go! Go! (Paulina sneaks in, scoops up the money, runs back) Hey! Grab that donut, I'm hungry! (She runs back and grabs a donut and hurries back out the door, making sure to close it entirely. Daisy hangs up the phone, turns around and sees that they money's gone. She gasps and looks around frantically. Enos enters.)

ENOS

Well hello Daisy, how did the fundraiser go?

DAISY

Enos! Thanks goodness! I was counting the money we made, and then I went to pick up the phone, I turned my back for a minute and then I turned around and it was gone. It was gone Enos!

ENOS

Well did you see who took the money?

DAISY

Of course not, Enos, I had my back turned!

ENOS

Oh.....(he glances down and takes off his hat) You know Daisy, I don't want to do this, but Rosco'd be mighty angry if I didn't. (He pulls out his handcuffs. Daisy gasps and shakes her head.)

DAISY

No, Enos! I didn't steal the money, I swear!

ENOS

Sorry, Daisy ....I believe you, but I've gotta take you in so Rosco can question you while I look around. As much as I hate to do this....I've gotta arrest you! (as he talks, Daisy backs up ever so slowly. Enos moves toward her with the last line and she dodges him, goes around a chair, pushing it and a table together to create a blockade, and runs out the door. Freeze.)

ACT 2

(Unfreeze. Daisy runs outside as Enos trips over the chairs and gets up. Ext. Boar's Nest. As Cooter drives by in his truck, Daisy runs over and Cooter stops)

DAISY

Cooter! Cooter!

COOTER

Hey, Daisy, what's going on?

DAISY

I need a ride quick! (Enos runs outside. Cooter nods.)

COOTER

Hop in.

DAISY

Thanks! (she runs around and gets in. Cooter takes off as Enos runs up.)

ENOS

Hey! Wait up! (Enos stomps his foot.) Oh, Rosco's gonna burn my hide....(he goes over to a bicycle, picks up the CB off it) This is Enos calling Sheriff Rosco, Sheriff Rosco, are you there? Over.

(Cut to int. office. Rosco picks up CB.)

ROSCO

This is Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane. What seems to be the problem, Enos?

ENOS

Well, I came down to check on Daisy Duke, and she stole the money made at the fundraiser and made a getaway with Cooter!

BOSS HOGG (from another room)

What's going on!

ROSCO

I'll get right on it, Enos. (Boss enters the room. He has apparantly been “working out”)

HOGG

What in tarnation is going on, Rosco?

ROSCO

Well, Daisy Duke stole the money from the fundraiser.

HOGG

Stole the money?! Well, get it back, get it back! That's a big shot at my reelection!

ROSCO

Oh. Okay, fat lil buddy. (he squeezes Boss's cheek. Boss hits Rosco's hand.)

HOGG

Knock that off! Tell that dipstick to get the money back!

ROSCO

Okay, Enos, Boss says so get it back pronto or faster!

ENOS

Uh...right away, Rosco...over. (Rosco turns to Boss)

ROSCO

Well, I don't believe it. Daisy Duke stealing money from the poor.

HOGG

Them Dukes must be hard up for money if they're stealing.....

ROSCO

Doesn't it just hurt your poor little heart?

HOGG

It sure does........ Hey! What're you waiting for, get going! Git that money! (Rosco hurries out the door, then comes back as Boss chomps on a donut.)

ROSCO

Uh...Boss?

HOGG

Yes?

ROSCO

Do I have to use a bicycle? It hurts my little hiney!

HOGG

I don't care if it hurts your hiney, we've gone over budget and can't afford any more cars, because you keep crashing them trying to catch them Dukes. Now git!

ROSCO

Oh...okay....(he leaves, and Boss sits down in a chair and continues to eat the donut. Cut to field. Bo grabs a bow while Luke sits on the hood of the General. Bo lights up the arrow and prepares to shoot.)

You ready to be blown away, cuz?

LUKE

You just try it. (Bo nods and aims. He releases and the arrow flies off, completely missing the gas tank. Luke cracks up. Bo frowns.)

You messed me up....you think you can do better?

LUKE

Heck yeah! (Bo tosses him the bow)

I bet you a phone book you won't hit that from here.

LUKE

(shakes his head) Deal. (Bo lights up the arrow as Luke takes aim. He shoots and the gas tank blows up. Bo gives a nervous laugh as Luke turns and grins. Luke sets the bow in the General and pulls out a phone book.) Okay, Bo, where d'you want it? Left or right? (the CB goes off)

DAISY

Bo Peep to Lost Sheep, Lost sheep are you there? Bo? Luke? (Bo reaches in)

Hey, Daisy, what's going on?

DAISY

I'm at Cooter's hiding out. The money from the fundraiser got stolen when I turned my back and now Enos is trying to arrest me. (Bo looks up at Luke who shrugs)

LUKE

That about figures.

Tell you what. You stay there, we'll go tell Uncle Jesse, go do some investigating, then we'll pick you up. Sound good?

DAISY

Sounds just fine to me.

Okay. Sit tight. Bye.

DAISY

Be careful. Bye.

(Bo sets the CB down in the General. Luke immediately smacks Bo with the phone book, then tosses it in the car. Bo holds his jaw and shakes his head.)

LUKE

(going to the other side of the car) What're you waiting for? Get in!

(He gets in, Bo follows and they drive off. Cut to int. farm. Uncle Jesse Duke, Paulina and Joe are around the table. Paulina and Joe get up. Joe sheaks Jesse's hand.)

JOE

Well, thank you, Mr. Duke, those directions will be helpful more than you can imagine.

PAULINA

You're all so very courteous here.

JESSE

Well, we try to do the best we can. Just be careful out there. Some people will just do anything to get what they want.

JOE

Oh, we'll keep watch.

PAULINA

No one will get anything of ours. (Cut to ext. farm as Bo and Luke drive up and see the jeep.)

Hey, cuz, who's that?

LUKE

I don't know...plates are South Dakota. Let's take a look.

Good idea. (They hop out and go past the jeep, peering in the window. Luke gasps.)

LUKE

Hey cuz! Look at this! What's that look like to you? (He points in to the back of the vehicle. Bo looks in)

That looks like the fundraiser money!

LUKE

Sure does. If it's not someone's got too much money too be traveling around in a jeep. It doesn't make sense. Do you think you can help me get in this window?

Yeah. (He helps Luke crawl in the window. Luke digs through all the stuff. Bo taps his feet and fingers nervously) C'mon Luke, hurry up!

(Luke's head pops up with bra on it)

LUKE

I'm tryin, but there's a lot of money here, just thrown in! (His head dives down again. Bo looks over and sees Paulina, Joe and Uncle Jesse come outside. He runs over and grabs Joe's hand.)

Hey there. What's your name?

JOE

Well I'm Joe Hellwung and this is my fiancee Paulina Tigbits.

Uh...huh....

JESSE

This is my nephew Bo and.....um....where's Luke?

He...had to take the General in to have Cooter look at it. It was making this weird noise like BRAWGAWAGAWAGAWAGAWAGA! (he looks back nervously, then smacks his head.) C'mon Bo, wake up! (turns to the group again.) Yeah and Daisy's over there too. Apparantly someone stole the money from the fundraiser when she had her back turned.

(Joe and Paulina glance at each other.)

JESSE
Oh, no. I bet Rosco thinks she did it, huh? When I get my hands on the person who would steal from people less fortunate than them. It just makes me want to...(getting more agitated. Joe clears his throat.)

JOE

Well, we'd better be going. Thanks again for the directions, and it was nice meeting you Bo. (He starts to leave. Bo stops him)

Wait! ..... Before you go, I want you to hear me sing. I'm...uh...gonna be a famous Nashville musician someday. Uncle Jesse, could you get my guitar? (Joe and Paulina looks back as they answer. Bo mouths “They stole the money! They stole the money!”

JOE/PAULINA

That's not necessary. It's okay. I'm sure he's great. (Jesse nods as he gets the message.)

JESSE

You know, I think I'd like to hear Bo's song too.

(he goes to get the guitar. Joe and Paulina turn around. Bo stops gesturing and scratches the back of his head. Jesse coems back. Bo strums it once and begins to sing.)

JESSE

Oh, I just love this song. (he joins in. Cut to int. Jeep. Luke looks up.)

LUKE

Bo! I can't find it all! Bo? BO! (he looks around. Cut back as Bo and Jesse continue to sing. Joe angrily pushes Bo aside and runs as Luke climbs out of the jeep.)

JOE

Enough of this....HEY! Hey you! Get back here!

Uh-oh. (he hands the guitar to Uncle Jesse, who continues to sing. He runs over to the General and hops in as Luke slides over the hood of it and gets in. They take off. The jeep follows quickly after them. The chase goes down the dirt road. Bo gets on the CB)

Lost sheep to Crazy Cooter. Crazy Cooter, do you copy?

COOTER

Breaker one, breaker-one, might be crazy but I ain't dumb this is Crazy Cooter comin' at ya, what's up Bo?

Tell Daisy we'll be there a little sooner than we thought. We found the people who stole the money.

COOTER

Will do.

(the Dukes are forced off the road to a side road by Joe and Paulina.)

(looking back) What do they think they're doing?

LUKE

uh...Bo? Watch the road...

I can't believe them.

LUKE

Watch the road, Bo. (he reaches over to grab the wheel)

I swear if they do that again, I'll....

LUKE

WATCH THE ROAD, BO!

I AM!!! (turns to face forward. They comes toward a cement ramp. Bo lets go of the wheel and they hug each other as they go up the ramp. They scream like girls. Freeze Mid-jump.)

ACT 3

(unfreeze.)

DUKES

YEE-HAW! (they complete the jump. Both look back as the jeep stops halfway up the ramp. Joe smacks the wheel.)

JOE

DAMNIT! (Cut to int. General Lee.)

Whoo! (looks down, realizing he's still got ahold of Luke. They both go completely opposite directions and clear their throat.)

LUKE

Now to go get Daisy.

Yeah..... (Cut to Cooter's Garage.)

COOTER

Well, Bo and Luke should be getting here soon.

DAISY

Good. I want to thank you for letting me hide out here, Cooter.

COOTER

Any time Daisy. (there is a pause. Daisy stands leaning on Cooter's truck, unknowingly being sexy, sucking on a sucker. Cooter lifts his hat, wipes his brow, and shakes his head) whoo, that's hot

(Daisy looks over at Cooter)

DAISY

Hmm?

COOTER

um...Nothing!

DAISY

Do you wanna sucker? (pulls one out of her pocket)

COOTER

hehe....uh....no thanks.

(Rosco starts coming near. Cooter sees him)

COOTER

Uh-oh. It's Rosco. Hide quick! (Daisy obliges as Rosco rides in on his bike.) Hey Rosco, what do you need today? New handlebars? Seat adjustment?

ROSCO

Oh, very funny...if I wasn't in a hurry, I'd....(sighs) I'm looking for Daisy Duke. Rumor has it she's with you.

COOTER

Ain't seen her all day, Rosco, what's the occasion?

ROSCO

She was caught red-handed stealing the money raised at the fundraiser today, or should I say green-handed?

COOTER

Hold up. You got any proof? Cuz everyone in the world knows Daisy Duke's the last person on earth, least of all in Hazzard, to steal money from the Hurrican victims.

ROSCO

Well... (the Dixie horn. Rosco looks back as the General pulls up and Bo gets out)

DAISY

Hey, Rosco! (Daisy waves and climbs in the General, followed by Bo. They take off)

ROSCO

Ooooh, KEE, KEE, KEE! (he turns to Cooter, can't think of anythign to say, then rides off on his bike after the Dukes. Cooter gets in his truck.)

COOTER

Rosco! Wanna ride? (Rosco looks around, then climbs in.)

ROSCO

Boss must never hear about this. (The General roars down a back road, passing Joe and Paulina in the Jeep)

PAULINA

Hey! There they go!

JOE

Hey, maybe we should just call this off, take what we've still got left and get out of here.

PAULINA

If you don't go get them....(she pulls out a pistol) I will do it myself.

JOE

(motivated) Okey dokey. (he follows. In the General, Luke and Daisy looks back.)

LUKE

They're following us again.

DAISY

Again?

Long story, but we've met them before.

DAISY

Well, what're you gonna do?

Let 'em get ahead. (Bo turns slightly as a bridge approaches. There is a dirt pile next to the bridge)

LUKE

Bo! Are you crazy?

Probably. GO, GENERAL, GO! (The car jumps.)

DUKES (including Daisy)

YEE-HAW!!!

PAULINA

Where'd they go? (They both look up out the windows. The Dukes land the jump behind them)

JOE

What now? (Paulina holds up the pistol and grins. Joe laughs) i love you.

PAULINA

Drive. (she sits out the window and shoots up in the air. The Dukes flinch.)

DAISY

They're shooting at us! They're shooting at us!

LUKE

Calm down. It's be okay. (to Bo.) it'll be okay, right?

Hold on.

LUKE

I've got a bad feeling about this. (They tear down a hill around a sharp corner. Paulina almost falls out.)

PAULINA

Watch it, Joe!

JOE

I'm trying, hon! (They chase ends going up to a dead-end. Paulina and Joe get out and run up another hill. The Dukes get out and follow. Paulina shoots a few random shots back until she runs out of bullets and drops her gun. A girl in a bikini lays along the side of the road, tanning. Luke stops)

LUKE

Well, hello there. My name's Luke Duke and I think you're- (Daisy grabs Luke by the ear and drags him ahead)

C'mon Luke, you manwhore! (Up atop the hill, Cooter and Rosco block the path out. Bo, Luke and Daisy corner Joe and Paulina.)

LUKE

Okay, all you have to do is give it up now and turn yourself in to Sheriff Rosco over there!

PAULINA

NEVER!! Go get them, Joe! (Joe nods and barrels after the Dukes. They fistfight and the Dukes win. Daisy takes her chance to tackle Paulina.)

DAISY

This is for stealing that money. (she punches Paulina and gets up. The Duke boys stand up and give a high-5 to each other. Bo wipes his brow. Rosco comes over)

ROSCO

Would someone tell me what is exactly going on here? Who're these people?

LUKE

Well, Rosco, there two are the people who stole the fundraiser money.

DAISY

(shaking her head) I still can't imagine anyone could be so greedy they'd take from people who really need it.

ROSCO

Well, let me tell you, they will be taken care of properly.

JOE

Well, we would've gotten away with it if it hadn't been for you pesky Dukes.

COOTER

I can tell you one thing, you two....you should never mess with the Dukes of Hazzard.

LUKE

Hey, that kinda sounds good. I like that.

“The Dukes of Hazzard” I like it. Hey, what do you know...maybe someday someone'll make a movie about us.

DAISY

Aw, heck that'll never happen.

LUKE

Yeah, you're right, where'd you get such a crazy idea, Bo, let's get back to town.

(as they head back to their vehicles) What? Don't you think it's a good idea? How about a tv show? Radio? Geez, you don't appreciate genius.

(cut to another road. Enos is riding his bike uphill, struggling. The General flies by and the horn blares. Enos falls off his bike and down a hill, yelling the whole way down. Rosco looks down.)

ROSCO

Enos, you dipstick! Get up here!

ENOS

Yessir! (he salutes. Freeze. Roll credits)